Tenken 0 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 (edited) General Full name: Ewan O’Brien Nickname: people used to call him cowboy when he was young, later (during the war) people called him Tenken Age: 49 Gender: male Race: Natural Occupation: Leader of financial company Birthplace: ORB Citizenship: ORB Personality: Despite his popularity and reputation he is easygoing. He doesn’t like any conventional moves in battles and always looks for creative way to solve problems. Other than that he likes to be alone when he can think about his own problems. He isn’t shining star of society as he always disappears in crowd of those who want to be shining stars. He doesn’t want to be in the middle of everything either (what is sometimes annoying for his partners). He also posses good rhetorical skills what makes him good diplomat as well. Appearance Height: 1.79 metres Weight: 69 kilograms Hair Colour and Style: : longer, grey...he also has a short beard Eye Colour: grey Identifying Marks: none Skin Tone: darker but not dark Build: well-build but shows signs of ageing Clothing: changes from time to time Handiness: Right-handed Background Mother: Mary O’Brien Father: William O’Brien Siblings: none Wife: Elizabeth Personal History: Born into rich O'Brien (they came from Britain but moved to autonomous ORB) family as their only child, Ewan grew up with everything he wanted. Ewan's parents expected him to be the next inheritor of the O'Brien's international company, but they were shocked o hear that Ewan would be attending military school after finishing his studies. Ewan had no other choice but to work as hard as possible because bad results would show to his parents attending a military academy was wrong. However, with his skills to solve many problems, he was able to get through. He graduated the military academy with exceptional reputation. Next years in service for Orb's military turned out to be very fruitful. Even Ewan's parents were proud as he quickly rose in the ranks. He eventually became the 1st officer on one of Orb's first battleships. However, his prospertiy came to an end, as in one mission, he put his entire ship's crew in jeopardy. Although nothing serious happened, Ewan was transferred to work in office. As the admiral stated, "Cowboys were not needed on the battlefield." As he spent some time in office, his opinion about the military service had changed completely. At one point, he was thinking of quitting the military until he was assigned to the development team of the new Izumo class battleships. As a military consultant, his job was to support Morgenroete's team with ideas and suggestions to improve the system. After his job was done, he returned to the rank of 1st officer on Susanoo. When the 2nd Bloody Valentine War erupted, Ewan got more responsibility on the Susanoo’s bridge. He became captain’s right hand, Ewan helped his captain when needed and supported his captain with advices during the battles. Ewan eventually became even more popular than his captain. But Ewan has never been let to command the ship alone (he could not lose the mark of “cowboy” who was not welcomed on the seat of captain) He gained an excessive amount of victories on the board of Susanoo, which gained him a lot of reputation in ORB's military. Because of these massive victories he had achieved, people coined him with the nickname Tenken (meaning Heaven's punishment). Even though awarded with prestige and honor, Ewan had nothing to be proud of. The victories were painful on both sides, as he lost many friends during the battle. After the war had ended, he decided that it was time to retire from the military. He saw no reason to stay in it anymore. Ewan's faher died in C.E. 79 and Ewan, who become well-known in ORB, was chosen to take over the company of his family. With immense responsibility, it was his duty to follow his father's footsteps. Ewan decided to invest into research of new technologies and eventually it paid off. His company signed the deal with ORB's military and provided them with the company's latest inventions. In C.E. 81 he married young Elizabeth (who was 20 years younger than Ewan). This marriage was not accepted by both sides of family, but they had no courage to say it into Ewan's eyes. The two did not care for what others had thought. The fact that they loved each other was the only important thing. Now it is C.E. 85 and Ewan's times spent on the bridges of battleships have become too distant. He was drawn into "normal" life and eventually stopped to think about his past. But maybe the time will come when Ewan will wear uniform of ORB's military again.Yes only time will tell. Edited November 10, 2006 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 It's a good effort but you would need to look through it again and try to rephrase your sentences. Several sentences are grammatically wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 Hmmm the only editor which I have is Word and it helps with spelling but not grammar . Tried to use StyleWriter but it helped just a little. So if someone knows some editor for proper grammar check then I'll be thankful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I doubt there's any editor for proper grammar. Proper grammar comes from constant practice of using good English. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 Heh that's pretty hard isn't it? ...you know using good English means to use proper grammar but using proper grammar requires using good English I'll try to do something with that grammar but have to find out how (you know I can find some errors because I know all the theory and stuff but I can't make it great with no help) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I would go into the details if I have time but it's 1 am here and I need to wake up at 5 am Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
konigstiger 0 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 you can use this, if you want to read it. http://www.grammarbook.com/ it has gramma tests and quizzes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 you can use this, if you want to read it. http://www.grammarbook.com/ it has gramma tests and quizzes You know. It's not like I don't know theory. But when I write something longer then I make stupid mistakes. The problem is that I can't correct my own writings...I don’t know why Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
konigstiger 0 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 (edited) well for me, I try to read the sentence very carefully and If it dosent sound right or something is missiing then I edit it. Lets make this an example from your post: Ewan had not other choice but to work... If you read it carefully and say it, it feels like something is wrong. The "not" there should changed into a "no". I will not explain why its wron anymore. So the sentence would come out like this. "Ewan had no other choice but to work..." So does it sound better now? Try to read carefully of your sentences. And try to shorten your sentences for a while, if your having trouble. Edited November 1, 2006 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Here's a link to an oldie but a goodie 'book' for grammar: http://www.bartleby.com/141/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 I've read it again and corrceted some stuff that I could find. I think that I'll just ask my friend to help me out with this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kvonne 0 Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 the surname reminds me of my old English teacher and he was SO nice *sniffs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Yay! Should be O.K. now. One great friend helped me out ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 btw. can anyone tell me some constructive criticsm so I would make bio better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Please note that the Captain rank is different from the position as the captain of a ship. One does not get awarded to be a ship captain. You need proper training for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 Would "He gained spot of captain on Susanoo's bridge." be better? Well when it comes to training-Ewan had a lot of experience already (he had been 1st. commander long time before he became captain) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 That is grammatically wrong and you can't simply gain captanicy. You need to describe the process of it. You need a license to be a captain, not just have experience and hey you're the captain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ishian 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 I think what Valiant is trying to say in a more direct approach is that you are given a starting rank in Advent Destiny and have to roleplay your way to a better rank. Correct me if im wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 I think what Valiant is trying to say in a more direct approach is that you are given a starting rank in Advent Destiny and have to roleplay your way to a better rank. Correct me if im wrong. his makes a lot more sense to me. Because I don't know what sort of license is required to be a captain in Gundam universe ...anyway I will try to correct the history so my character won't be captain .>" title="" /> EDIT:Ok I tried to correct it. No captain status this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winders 0 Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Despite his popularity and reputation he is easygoing, he doesn’t like any conventions and always looks for creative way to solve problems Slight grammatical errors here, shouldn't you mean; his easy going attitude adds to his popularity and reputation? He doesn't like following conventional what? Conventional battle moves? Conventional ways to treat a lady? ETC. More grammatical errors: Ewan gave him advices when needed Young officer eventually became even more popular than his captain but Ewan has never taken the most prominent spot on the bridge (he could not lose the mark of “cowboy” who was not welcomed on the seat of captain) You'll have to clarify this sentence, try re-writing it And finally: ¡¦yes only time will tell... Should be a fullstop and a space before the yes instead of those funky letters x3 Apart from those it's fine; I'll move it later when it's been edited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 Ok I tried to correct it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winders 0 Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I see no difference really. Young officer eventually became even more popular than his captain Still doesn't make sense, who's the young officer? Who's the captain? It's unclear. Ewan will wear uniform of ORB's military again¡¦yes only time will tell. Still has the funky stuff Ewan gave him advices Still there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 Try #2...edited again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winders 0 Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I've moved it if you haven't realized by now Post here which faction you want to join Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenken 0 Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 Heh thanks And ORB I guees Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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