Makoto24 0 Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 (edited) Player Player name: Makoto24 Character number: 1 Faction: ZAFT General Full name: Makoto Corale Nickname: Makoto Age: 17 Gender: Male Race: Coordinator Occupation: Mobile Suit Pilot Birthplace: Aprilius City Citizenship: PLANT Personality: Makoto is a very easy going person, but when work needs to be done he is no slouch. He loves to joke around with his peers and fellow crewmembers, but knows when he has gone too far. He is always in a good mood and rarely holds grudges. One might say that he is a little bit gullible, but all in all he is still a good guy. He somehow always seems to find the good side in everyone, whether or not they like him in return. He really looks up to the Gundam pilots and hopes that one day he will be able to fly a Gundam mobile suit. Appearance Height: He is 5 feet 11 inches tall. Weight: He weighs about 173 pounds. Hair Colour and Style: He has brown hair styled in a flare to the left side of his head, and he has a very distinct bright blonde, nearly bleach blonde, flip of hair that comes down and nearly covers his left eye. (If for some reason you are having trouble picturing how this exactly looks, here is the link to my character development page: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/57463580/) Eye Colour: His eyes are dark blue and take after his mother. Identifying Marks: His only identifying feature is his light blonde flip of hair in the front, because it doesn't really go with the rest of his hair. Skin Tone: He has light Caucasian toned skin. Build: He has a physically fit body structure, mainly because he has to remain in top form so he can pilot mobile suits. Clothing: He mainly wears his ZAFT uniform, but when he is on leave he wears loose fitting jeans (not baggy) and black sneakers. He wears a button down polo shirt with the top 2 buttons open. Handiness: He is right Handed, and has significant trouble when trying to write with his left hand. Background Mother: His mother is Saki Corale. Father: His father was Tanaka Corale. Siblings: He has an older brother named Kanji Carole. Wife/Girlfriend: During school Makoto was never one to attract the ladies attention, but as he got older and more mature he has been finding that more of the ladies are starting to pay attention to him. Personal History: Makoto was born in CE 68 in Aprilius City. His mother's name is Saki and his fathers name is Tanaka. Saki is a schoolteacher at the school that Makoto attended before joining the military. Saki always taught Makoto about being kinda and to let things roll off his back. She always taught him that revenge was a horrible thing and that killing someone because they killed you're friend didn't solve anything: although she has never known the feeling of a friend dieing in battle, because she was a pacifist and tried to avoid direct conflict at all cost. Tanaka was a ZAFT mobile suit pilot. He piloted a Slash Zaku. He met his fate in the Second Bloody Valentine War when Makoto was about 6 years old. Although his father died in a meaningless war, Makoto did not see his death as a reason for "vengeance against the Naturals!" or anything like that. He saw his father's death as a sacrifice to keep his family safe. Tanaka always taught Makoto to avoid groups like Blue Cosmos and Logos, because all they want is more war. He taught Makoto to be patriotic and to always protect the ones he loved. This is the basis in which Makoto lives his life today. His brother, Kanji, is a technical specialist in the ZAFT military and helps develop weapons for the army. Makoto never really got to know his brother well because he was always away at school, but when they were kids they always dreamed about serving their country and helping to bring peace to the Earth and the PLANTS. Whenever Kanji visited home he always used to show Makoto the older suit specs that were now used in everyday combat. This invigorated Makoto's aspiration for being a Mobile Suit Pilot. Makoto's favorite that Kanji showed him was the machine that his father, Tanaka, piloted; the Slash Zaku. Once Makoto was old enough he joined the ZAFT military academy to become a mobile suit pilot. He was a diligent student, but always found time to relax and have somewhat of a social life. He made some friends, but when they graduated they all got assigned different bases and ships, so they lost immediate contact. It seems everywhere Makoto went he made new friends, whether or not they liked him was a different story, but Makoto always seemed to find the good side to everyone. He always read about and looked up to the great mobile suit pilots in history, especially Gundam pilots. He considered those types of legendary pilots his heroes, and he especially wants to pilot great Gundams like they did, and have the power to bring peace. He continuously gets stronger and more confident in his piloting abilities, and hopes to oneday be a great pilot that will fight for what is right... Edited July 10, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 An interesting and straightforward profile so far. In general, don't use comparisons and rely more on your own descriptions. For example, don't use something like 'sort of like Kakashi's from Naruto' for two reasons: 1) Not everyone will necessarily know the reference. (And no, not 'everyone' watches Naruto, etc.) 2) It's a slight sign of laziness to simply say 'person X looks like character Y.' (Though in your case, you already have detailed descriptions.) In the Background, only list the family members' names. The Personal History itself should be used to describe your character's family members and how they affect him. One issue that I'm a little unsure about and would require second opinions by other members would be the mention of canon characters. In the Rules, Valiant mentioned that no one can 'be' those characters or have some sort of relation to them. In this case though, it's more of a hero worship...so I'll wait for other people's viewpoints on this matter. Regardless, this is a good profile so far and I'll be eager to see a refined/finished product. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makoto24 0 Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 Thanks for the advice. To tell the truth, this is my first time in a true RP. I fixed both 1 and 2 of your concerns. And the personal history was really a...well i just made it up on the spot really, because i never put much thought into people's backgrounds when i draw them. I thought the same thing about using characters like Kira and Athrun, but i figured that since it is so far past their..."time frame" then it could be okay to use them as a figurehead hero-type reference. But yes i'll keep that in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janus 5 Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Check for typos Makoto-kun Also I suggest you shorten this part Mother: Saki Corale. [coordinator or natural]Father: Tanaka Corale [coordinator or natural] Siblings: Kanji Carole, 22 [coordinator or natural] because you should, do, and have mentioned their job in the history. And to me.. I think you should expand your history a bit more. Add a bit more information to it like recount a situation and how he reacted as an example. Keep at it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Hero worship is in some way a relation to the canon characters. Please remove that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makoto24 0 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 I deleted the character's names, and instead generalized it. Is it okay? The way I said it, it could mean any characters that were great pilots. hope thats okay, if its not then i'll fix it again!^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makoto24 0 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 I elaborated more on his personal history like liubei013 told me too. Hopefully this is what you were looking for. ; ummm...oh yea i also added the link to my character's picture in the description of his hair as a backup just in case some people were having trouble picturing what i meant. should i keep it? or get rid of it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Please avoid double posting. If you think that you really need to, you can post the picture. However, we always encourage members to be as descriptive as they can. It's good practice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makoto24 0 Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 (edited) my apologies. wont happen agiain. yea, i tried to be descriptive, and i will be always during role play to the best of my ability. as for the profile, everything is up to date. how is it lookin? Edited June 27, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 It's a lot better now. Final verdict goes to Valiant though. (This is your first true RP? Well, I think you'll do well here if your writing is any indication.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 It's good. This profile has been approved. You may now apply for a faction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makoto24 0 Posted June 29, 2007 Author Share Posted June 29, 2007 Okay then. I apply for ZAFT. (This is your first true RP? Well, I think you'll do well here if your writing is any indication.) Yes it is my frist true RP, and I am thankful that you think I will do well here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilhelm 0 Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Approved for the Zaft Forces [align=center] PLANT Supreme Council, Nation Defense headquarters, Aprilius One branch[/align] As of July 10th of CE85, Makoto Corale is accepted into the Zodiac Alliance of Freedom Treaty, under the direct supervision and guidance of the Supreme Council, and the officers appointed over you. We wish for your talents, and abilities to lead Plant into a new age of glory. You and many young people your age will be the next generation allowing Coordinators to live free from persecution and discrimination. We hand the future of Plant into your hands, hold your head high, and don’t let that inner light falter. Signed, Chairwoman Ashellia Ferrinas, National Defense Headquarters Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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