kyosuke009 (First character)

[kyosuke009 0]

Player

Player name: kyosuke009

Character number: 1

Faction: Earth Alliance

General

 

Full name: Meis Misaki

Nickname: Black and White

Age: sixteen

Gender: male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Soldier/Cook at a restaurant

Birthplace: Heliopolis

Citizenship: The South African Union

Personality: honest, kind, and caring but willing to fight to protect the people he cares about. And a black belt in karate.

Meis took karate in order to defend him and others as well. It also made him dedicated and focused to whatever he decided to do. At times he is calm and the next second his emotions are out of control. When he is being bullied for no apparent reason his attitude changes into an aggressive one and starts to attack in a cocky and over confident manner. But he manages to come out of any situation alright. This is the reason why he was given the nickname Black and white. He is very fond of sweets I mean very fond of them so much so when he eats one he goes yummy. What Meis really hates are people who take pleasure in causing pain to others. He is scared of snakes he freezes up when he sees one up close.

 

Appearance

 

Height: 5 Feet 10 Inches

Weight: 173 Pounds

Hair Color and Style: Black pulled back

Eye Color: Blue

Identifying Marks: Cross shaped scar on his right cheek.

Skin Tone: light peach

Build: athletic build (likes to jog 7 miles every morning)

Clothing: Usually wearing long shorts and his favorite Grey sweater with a pair of sneakers.

Handiness: Right-handed

 

Background

 

Mother: Sakura Akashi (Deceased) Stepmother: Ruri Hanta

Father: Hitoshi Misaki (Deceased) stepfather: Kazuya Saotome

Siblings: Rio Akashi (sister)

Wife/Girlfriend: Single

 

Personal History:

Meis being a child at the time didn't know what was happening but his whole family went down to earth because his father had finally got some time off so they decided to visit earth. But as soon as they reached earth his family heard that a war had broken out so they decided to go to the neutral nation of Orb. Where they thought their son Meis and their unborn child Rio would be safe. Soon after Rio was born in Orb where her parents rejoiced at her birth but those happy days were short lived.

 

Soon after the war came to Orb in order to protect his family Meis’s father decided to become a pilot for Orb to protect them and Orb as well. But he was killed in the battle against them Meis, his mother, and sister was able to escape the destruction of Orb. They were able to find a small village away from the war and a new home there as well. During this time they made fond memories of their mother and their new home where they enjoyed the time they spent together. They had a nice piece of peace but when the second war started Meis and his sister Rio lost their mother and barely able to survive through it.

 

After the war was over a couple were able to take them in because the couple were not able to have children of their own. Meis and Rio still kept their last name in order to keep the memory of their parents alive. As the children grew up they were able to forget some of the pain the war had brought them. During their childhood when Meis’s sister was being picked on that was the first appearance of the Black Meis his sister never knew he had such issues with his emotions. This is where he earned the nickname Black and White now they know not to make him angry. Meis’s stepfather owns a restaurant where he learned to cook so did Rio as well. Meis’s cooking was good enough to rival any five star restaurants cooking But Rio’s was still at an amateur at cooking. Meis and his sister Rio were even at baking nice delectable breads, cupcakes, and cinnamon rolls as well as other pastries as well.

 

Their stepmother owns a bakery which she plans to let Rio take over. Meis’s stepfather wants him to take over the restaurant but Meis has decided to become an ms pilot. He decided to become a pilot to keep what happen to him and his sister from happening to others to spare them the grief. He also wants some chance at vengeance for what happen. His sister was against it at first but he assured her and his stepparents that he would not die and come home every so often to them. But one day when Meis was taking a walk he noticed something out of the corner of his eye it was a man standing next to a stack of wood then the man did what seemed like a chop split the pile of wood in two with his bare hands.

 

Then Meis went quickly up to the man in order to ask him what he just did the man then replied that it was karate. Meis also wanted to learn karate in order to do the same thing the man did. Another reason to learn karate was so he could apply it to a MS in an event he was engage in close quarter combat. Then Meis ask the man if he could teach him karate and the man said he would only on one condition and that was to call him master Citan.

 

Meis learned something new every day and one time his sister came to see what he learned. She saw him breaking wood with ease his master was very proud of his student being able to pick it up very quickly. One day his master decide it was time to go But Meis begged him not to go he told him he taught him everything that he could that that it was time for him to get stronger on his own by earning experience. Master Citan said his farewell Meis cried and told him to come back some day and he said we will meet again in time once more. This leads us to today where he has decided to become a pilot but he doesn't know which one to join.

Edited July 8, 2007 by Guest

[Kaizer 0]

Okay, constructive criticism time Kyosuke-kun

 

-All characters need to have a citizenship, especially if they want to apply for a military career.  If you had no intentions of making Meis into a MS pilot, then you might be able to get away without one, but since you want to pilot them, you need to pick somewhere.  Take a look at what each of the factions offer before making your decision, and see which one you think suits your character best 

 

- The personality section needs a little more fleshing out.  A paragraph in length seems to be the accepted standard, so try and stretch it out to at least that far.  Explain how having a black belt in karate is part of his personality, did all the training make him dedicated and focused, or is he cocky and overly proud of his skills?  What other quirks does he have?  Are there things that really tick him off, or things that he's overly fond of?  A lot of members have honest, kind, and caring characters, yet are nothing alike, so you should try and make sure that Meis is indeed a unique individual, especially since he's younger than most characters (save for Winders' Kyra character ).

 

- There is no such thing as a normal build, and you should really think about the character's weight and height as a basis for the build.  If he is tall and yet still under 150 pounds, then he would have a more slender build for example.  Does he exercise regularly?  if so, then he would have a more athletic build.  Basically, without a well defined build, people might think Meis had a beer-belly 0_o

 

-The history section has all the basics down, such as how he became a cook, and how Meis and his sister became adopted, but you should try and expand more on the little things here.  How good of a cook is Meis, and is he also a decent baker as well?  What about Rio?  How does she feel about Meis' decision to become a MS pilot?  And more to the point, what are Meis' reasons for wanting to pilot a MS?  Its obvious that it was because of the wars that Meis lost his real parents, so wouldn't he resent the weapons that had caused such pain?  Is it that he doesn't want others to feel the same pain as him and Rio, or does he think that being a soldier will give him some chance at vengeance?  Finally, you should try and add a few 'slice of life' moments if you can, and mention more about how Meis and Rio grew up together; what seems like an insignificant event now could become something more important later on in the storyline after all.

 

Hope this helps 

[kyosuke009 0]

Hmm good point thanks for advice Kaizer-kun I'll do that but that will take a while because some times i finish it fast and sometimes slow.

Edited May 23, 2007 by Guest

[liubei013 0]

Take your time. 

 

@Kai: Heh, you always point out the main points I noticed or vice versa.

[kyosuke009 0]

I did some changes like Kaizer-kun suggested i wonder if I'm done.

[Kaizer 0]

A big improvement I'd say 

 

You've still got some grammar and spelling issues, but its rare for people not to have those, and the spell checker on the site only goes so far (it doesn't differentiate between homonyms, nor does it fix sentence fragments and other grammatical errors).  If you have microsoft word, wordperfect, or some other text program, I would suggest typing up your posts in there first, then seeing if it spots any grammatical errors.

 

The reasonings behind everything Meis does are far more defined now, and it seems that he's quite the little genius when he wants to be; having picked up on baking, cooking, and karate fairly well.  I guess you could say he's a quick learner.  The inclusion of black and white is a nice touch as well.  Sure, the good guy with a bad streak thing is pretty standard fare, but it wouldn't be so overdone if people didn't like it .

 

Its best not to look to only one person for opinions though, plus I can't approve profiles as is, so just hang tight and hope for Valiant to come by and approve of it.  Like Liu said, just take your time with it.  God knows that I've spent hours on some of my profiles.

 

@Liubei: Its usually the same kind of problems with most profiles, so its no wonder that we think alike on many of the points.  A lot of people tend to use a pretty loose form of role play (darn gaia; I love it, but so many of its members just tear apart the english language), so they aren't used to the higher restrictions that AD imposes on character profiles and the like.  Either that, or great minds think alike .

[kyosuke009 0]

So i just need to wait for one more person.

[liubei013 0]

And probably Kaizer's first suggestion, which is to copy/paste your profile onto a word processor to look for spelling and grammar mistakes in order to refine your profile.

[kyosuke009 0]

Okay i'm done checking now all i have to do is wait for approvel from Valiant.

[Valiant 96]

Please check through the profile again. There are many grammatical errors.

[kyosuke009 0]

I had to bump this back up so I'm not sure what to write here. But i will keep looking for any more errors but i don't know if I'll see them because i am single-minded at this kind of stuff. And in order to get better i am reading at least three books a day and for more help i downloaded FireFox2 just in case.

Edited June 2, 2007 by Guest

[Valiant 96]

You have a habit of rambling on. When you write, try to read the sentences to yourself. You'll find that your sentences need to be broken up into smaller parts. This can be done by using the very hand comma (,).

 

I hope that helps. I believe you can still improve further as an RPer.

 

This profile has been approved. Feel free to apply for a faction.

[kyosuke009 0]

Sorry about that I'll try and work on that. Well now that I've been approved i would like to apply for the EA. 

Edited June 6, 2007 by Guest

[Kaizer 0]

Crewman recruit Meis 'Black and White' Misaki accepted, welcome to the EA!

 

You should have access to the EA discussion boards, so be sure to sign in and join in our scheming

[Janus 5]

Disregard this if I'm actually not qualified to post, just one thing I figured to be a bit weird Heliopolis was destroyed before you were born... wasn't it?

[Kaizer 0]

You're allowed to post, so don't feel discouraged about it, as we all miss things from time to time.  But Heliopolis wasn't destroyed before Meis was born.  Heliopolis was destroyed in CE 71, and the current Advent Destiny storyline brings us to the year CE 85.  If Meis is 16, then he would have been born around CE 68-69, a few years before Heliopolis went kablammo 

[Janus 5]

hmm I must've made a typo on my calculator Then all I have to say now is- ouch it must hurt to have your birthplace crumble away when you were two

[kyosuke009 0]

Um meis never thought of that before (neither did i) should have put that in.      

[kyosuke009 0]

No Profile/Character Changes are made going to keep it the same.