Carlson Saint

[Saint 0]

General

 

Full name: Carlson Vontavious Saint

Nickname: Saint

Age: 21

Gender: Male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Pilot /Mobile suit expert

Birthplace: Wellington, NZ

Citizenship: Atlantic Federation.

Personality: Carlson on the outside seems like he has a laid back nature that seems to attract most people. But what people dont see is his lonelyness because of the loss of his brother. He displays alot of heart while trying to look cool and colected ,and is hard to crack under presure. He has been the popular kid at school ever since kindergarden. He stayes focused at all the times as if he doesnt trust most people however he is easily persuaded towards combat and has natural talent in the battlefield.

 

Appearance

 

Height: 6'0

Weight: 79KG

Hair Colour and Style: Brown and spiky but not crazy spiky

Eye Colour: Brown

Identifying Marks: Scar that runs across nose

Skin Tone: Fair

Build: Ripped(Lean/muscular build caused by his diet)

Clothing: Blue and white millitary uniform. But when out of uniform he wears a puffy black jacket with black jeans with a chain of a lion hanging off it.

Handiness:Right-handed (Left-handed, Right-handed or Ambidextrous)

 

Background

 

Mother: Martha Saint

Father: John "Johnny" Saint

Siblings: N/A

Wife/Girlfriend: N/A

 

Personal History:

 

His mother and father both met in the millitary. His father was a Co-Ordinator working as a security guard on a ZAFT millitary ship.

His mother was a Natural who was captured as a prisoner of war while ZAFT forces invaded her nation.

Martha meet Johnny during Johnny's patrol. Upon being a prisoner, Martha fell in love with the guard.

When the ZAFT Forces attacked the Atlantic federation the Atlantic federation ceased the ship and took every coordinator onboard prisoner.

The pair fled and fled in an skygrasper type jet that didnt have a regestration to which alignment it belonged to. Martha's family didnt have a possitive or negative view on the co-ordinators as they judged people by character and not by what others say. Martha and Johnny maried even though he was an illegal imigrant and the family's friends even hired him. A few months later Martha was pregnant, as soon as Johnny heard the news he was excited however that didnt last long. They fought day in and day out with Martha's needs being a continous nonsense to Johnny adding in to what his coleages say and do to abuse him despite what his boss (Matha's father) says to the social preditors.They had a boy, and once he was born the temper that was there calmed down and the two put aside their diferencesand got along, things at work even calmed down.3 years after Carlsons birth, His mother Got a job as a fight attendant.

12 years later Carlson started high school after being (home schooled)under the belief that he was all human despite being a very caperble pilot in the simulators. Calrson passed all his simulations in class perfectly and reached a perfect score inclass without fail.

Carlson found out on the eve of his 20th birthday that he was infact part coordinator. He then broke down in shock someone overheard the conversation and told a young man who told his father. Later that night Carlson's father was murdered by a local Naturalist supremisist who had found out about Johnny being a coordinator. For protection Martha changed her name to Sharon and Carlson changed only his last name with his middle name.

2 days after changing his name Carlson left New Zealand towards Januarius City to take refuge with his fathers sister.

He then entered a ZAFT millitary school and passed with perfect scores.

He has a hate for Naturals who dont like Coordinators (which is the majority) and has now carries a secret burden.

He joined the millitary academy where he was promoted as a pilot with honours.

He recieved his scar during a fencing duel, when he was distracted his opponent was so disgusted from lossing and being so jealous of Carlson that he cut Carlson across the nose.

The scar wasnt deep however itl stay with him for the rest of his life.

Edited May 9, 2007 by Guest

[liubei013 0]

Ah jeez...

 

To be blunt...this profile isn't bad, but it isn't good either. 

 

First, the general format in your layout should be like the following:

 

Full name: Carlson Vontavious Saint

 

Bold lettering only for the headers, not the actual information. 

 

Second, your Personality section.  You state that Saint is a 'laid-back character' but you later state that he 'stays focused and has keen senses.'  These two aspects seem to contradict one another.  You could have his focus/keeness is a hidden aspect, while on the 'outside' he seems laid-back.  (This is merely a suggestion.)

 

Third, other parts of the profile, excluding History.  You have his occupation as both a Pilot and Mechanic...however, your history doesn't explain his sudden expertise in mechanics, only as a pilot. 

For build...could you be a little more specific regarding 'Ripped'?

 

Fourth, your Personal History.  (here we go...)

I don't mind the part about your character's parents meeting up but one detail bothers me.  It's that his mother was going to steal blueprints and the Buster Gundam. 

 

Two major problems with this:

1) By subtracting the current year (CE85) by the age of your character, assuming your character's parents gave birth almost immediately after they met, the mission would have taken place in CE63.  The GAT-X series development (not the actual construction) did not even begin until CE69. 

2) ZAFT were not the first to develop Gundams, so having a Buster Gundam there is inconceivable at that time.  It was the Earth Alliance, specifically the Atlantic Federation that pushed for the development of the GAT series.

 

Also, this part of your history:

Just before she entered the cockpit and to avoid cature she knocked out the guard (Carlsons father) and left with him the blue prints and the GAT-103 Buster Gundam. Upon being a prisoner, Johnny fell in love with his guard who happened to be Martha (Carlson's mother).

The part where you reiterate who the guard and who Martha was is redundant.  You do not need to mention the same facts twice. 

 

And...

He choose to stay with the humans and started a life with Martha.

Um...Coordinators are humans as well, despite what Blue Cosmos might say.

(I think you meant Naturals)

 

Another, very significant issue.  From what I understand, Saint's father was a Coordinator while the mother was a Natural and he lived with her in the Atlantic Federation.  I find it VERY hard to believe that the family did not have ANY issues whatsoever about the father's 'race' especially in a nation that is deeply anti-Coordinator.  I also find it hard to believe that the character did not encounter difficulties while growing up, due to the same reason mentioned above.  (There may be fewer issues during his teen years, since the Atlantic Federation's anti-Coordinator stance probably simmered down during the peace.)

 

Lastly, your history is too short.  While we believe in quality over quantity, it doesn't seem like you have enough there to give 'us' (the AD community) a good picture of your character.

And please use the Spell Check feature, which is conveniently located to the right of the Post & Preview buttons.

 

I probably missed a few things but those are the main points.

Remember, this isn't personal.  Pretty much any accepted members can post suggestions/criticisms in order to help people get their profiles approved ASAP.

Edited April 20, 2007 by Guest

[Bladester50 0]

Err I'm not as good as Liu over there but since his is really long... I know a few things to point out...

 

 

1. Your History is quite short.

 

2. DO NOT SKIP BIRTH what happened from age 0-13??

[Kaizer 0]

*blinks*

 

Someone please tell me this was moved here by accident....

 

And I have to agree with Liu's suggestions, he covered all the necessary topics that I saw.  Though you don't need to keep those bracketed sections in the race or handiness section they should only read as follows:

 

Race: Coordinator

Handiness: Right-Handed

[lynnks 0]

Hm.. why was it in the library? It's back to the correct board now

[liubei013 0]

Saint:  [i sent you a reply to your PM.]

 

Profile looks a little better but there's still a bit that needs to be examined.

 

1.  For the love of God and All that is Holy, USE. THE. SPELLCHECK.  (or copy/paste your profile into a Word processor to check)

 

2.  *repeats #1*

 

3. Several parts of your profile are still in the incorrect format, see my "First" point in my first point.  (specifically the use of bold font)

 

4. If he moved to the PLANTs, why is his citizenship still 'Atlantic Federation?'

 

5. None of ZAFT's standard uniform is blue and white, as I recall.

 

6. Personal History...here we go again.

First off, you seem to have completely random paragraph breaks.  A paragraph is a collection of several sentences that focuses on one particular point.  For instance, the stuff about Carlson's parents meeting up in a ship could be put together in one paragraph, rather than having it 'broken' halfway through.  The converse is also true; a paragraph or two doesn't seem to focus on one point or another.  (Such as the time before/during his birth to suddenly jumping 12 years ahead in the same paragraph)  Also, the way you're separating the paragraphs cause nothing but a big, messy mass of text.  I'll provide an example to show all the above:

 

This is the original:

His mother and father both met in the millitary. His father was a Co-Ordinator working as a security guard on a ZAFT millitary ship.

His mother was a Natural who was captured as a prisoner of war while ZAFT forces invaded her nation.

Martha meet Johnny during Johnny's patrol. Upon being a prisoner, Martha fell in love with the guard.

When the ZAFT Forces attacked the Atlantic federation the Atlantic federation ceased the ship and took every coordinator onboard prisoner.

The pair fled and fled in an skygrasper type jet that didnt have a regestration to which alignment it belonged to. Martha's family didnt have a possitive or negative view on the co-ordinators as they judged people by character and not by what others say. Martha and Johnny maried even though he was an illegal imigrant and the family's friends even hired him. A few months later Martha was pregnant, as soon as Johnny heard the news he was excited however that didnt last long. They fought day in and day out with Martha's needs being a continous nonsense to Johnny adding in to what his coleages say and do to abuse him despite what his boss (Matha's father) says to the social preditors.They had a boy, and once he was born the temper that was there calmed down and the two put aside their diferencesand got along, things at work even calmed down.3 years after Carlsons birth, His mother Got a job as a fight attendant.

 

And this is the slightly modified and easier to read setup:

His mother and father both met in the millitary. His father was a Co-Ordinator working as a security guard on a ZAFT millitary ship.  His mother was a Natural who was captured as a prisoner of war while ZAFT forces invaded her nation.  Martha meet Johnny during Johnny's patrol. Upon being a prisoner, Martha fell in love with the guard.  When the ZAFT Forces attacked the Atlantic federation the Atlantic federation ceased the ship and took every coordinator onboard prisoner.  The pair fled and fled in an skygrasper type jet that didnt have a regestration to which alignment it belonged to.

 

Martha's family didnt have a possitive or negative view on the co-ordinators as they judged people by character and not by what others say. Martha and Johnny maried even though he was an illegal imigrant and the family's friends even hired him. A few months later Martha was pregnant, as soon as Johnny heard the news he was excited however that didnt last long. They fought day in and day out with Martha's needs being a continous nonsense to Johnny adding in to what his coleages say and do to abuse him despite what his boss (Matha's father) says to the social preditors.They had a boy, and once he was born the temper that was there calmed down and the two put aside their diferencesand got along, things at work even calmed down.3 years after Carlsons birth, His mother Got a job as a fight attendant.

 

(Note how I separated the paragraphs.  And I did nothing to correct the errors in either paragraph.)

 

By the way, that last sentence seems to be quite irrelevant to the rest of the history.  Look up the definition for the words 'ceased' versus 'seized' as well.

 

As for the content...while you fixed my previous mentioned issues, you created a whole bunch of new issues.  The part after '12 years' where he considers himself still 'all human' completely disregards what I mentioned previously:  Coordinators are simply genetically enhanced HUMANS.  Naturals is the terminology for "regular/unaugmented" humans.  Also, how the heck did your character obtain access to military-grade simulators at the age of 15?  (in reference to his high scores in simulations)

 

2 days after changing his name Carlson left New Zealand towards Januarius City to take refuge with his fathers sister.

He then entered a ZAFT millitary school and passed with perfect scores.

He has a hate for Naturals who dont like Coordinators (which is the majority) and has now carries a secret burden.

He joined the millitary academy where he was promoted as a pilot with honours.

He recieved his scar during a fencing duel, when he was distracted his opponent was so disgusted from lossing and being so jealous of Carlson that he cut Carlson across the nose.

The scar wasnt deep however itl stay with him for the rest of his life.

 

Same issue as mentioned regarding paragraphs.  Also, the part where you mentioned his hate for Naturals...it isn't true at all where you mention the majority of Naturals 'don't like' Coordinators.  Looking at the nations on Earth, while a percentage of Naturals do hate Coordinators are noticeable, most of those such people are located in the Atlantic Federation.  (Most other Earth Alliance nations are either accepting of Coordinators or at least indifferent.)

 

The last bit about the scar seems to completely deviate from the rest of the History.  You did not provide any sort of context as to When & Where this event took place.  Also, did this event have any emotional impact on Carlson? 

 

You have numerous mispellings, questionable word choices, and other grammtically related issues, but it's not my place to point out each and every single little thing.

[kct 0]

And here I am to point out disrepancies in the history.

 

The pair fled and fled in an skygrasper type jet that didnt have a regestration to which alignment it belonged to.

 

First of all, there is no way there can be an unregistered mobile weapon or aircraft, at least on board of an Earth Alliance ship, since it is a very normal (and required procedure) for a fleet to keep count of their assets. Also, I do believe that only the Archangel received the Sky Grasper (to support the Strike Gundam), the rest of the Alliance sea fleet continued using their Spearheads (even after Strike Daggers were introduced).

 

They fought day in and day out with Martha's needs being a continous nonsense to Johnny adding in to what his coleages say and do to abuse him despite what his boss (Matha's father) says to the social preditors.

 

Try to explain in detail to what you are trying to convey here. Martha's 'needs being a continous nonsense' can be best reworded into something else. Also, correct the words.

 

3 years after Carlsons birth, His mother Got a job as a fight attendant.

 

With?

 

12 years later Carlson started high school after being (home schooled)under the belief that he was all human despite being a very caperble pilot in the simulators. Calrson passed all his simulations in class perfectly and reached a perfect score inclass without fail.

 

First thing to note, high school =/= military, and being a site that strives for at least some realism (or something believeable to everyone), there is no way he can score a perfect score in simulation tests, that is practically impossible. The same can be said about his entry into ZAFT, it is practically difficult for someone to obtain a perfect score for military examinations.

 

Carlson found out on the eve of his 20th birthday that he was infact part coordinator. He then broke down in shock someone overheard the conversation and told a young man who told his father.

 

How he found out about that? And who is the person(s) that told his father about that?

 

He has a hate for Naturals who dont like Coordinators (which is the majority) and has now carries a secret burden.

 

I do believe that the Atlantic Alliance is on the extreme side of things, but not the majority share the anti-Coordionator sentiment.

 

Do give a better and a more comprehensible explaination for the scar, like how the fight started and what happened.

 

Like that liubei013 have said, this is nothing personal, but most of the members here would know how someone RPs from looking at the way the character profile is written.