Bladester50 0 Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 (edited) General Full name: Kawahira Ichigo Nickname: Strawberry ( Ichigo in japanese means strawberry! LOL!) Age: 19 Gender: Male Race: Coordinator Occupation: Training to pilot a MW Birthplace: ORB Citizenship: ORB Nation Personality: (I'll explain this stuff in the personal history) Ichigo is easily angered because he has a lot of anger he hasn't released and its now erupting. Ichigo is nice to people unless hes angry at them. Ichigo will help anyone that needs help unless hes angry at them. Ichigo will do his best at everything he does and won't give up! Ichigo is provoked easily because of his anger problems. Appearance Height: 155cm Weight: 160lb Hair Colour and Style: Disheveled Black hair Eye Colour: dark brown close to black but not yet black Identifying Marks: Little dot on nose Skin Tone: Tan Build: Fit Fast runner not so much on muscles though Clothing: White t-shirt Bright red coat and blue Jeans. Are his favorite choices but he'll go along with anything as long as he feels alright in it. Handiness: Ambidextrous Background Mother: Kawahira Sakura Father: Kawahira Kaoru Siblings: N/A Wife/Girlfriend: N/A Personal History: Ichigo was born in a mid-class family. His parents did not spoil him but they did not treat him badly Ichigo was born in a mid-class family. His parents did not spoil him but they did not treat him badly either. Once Ichigo was 3 he spoke his first word, "Dad". Once Ichigo entered elementary school he worked hard because he wanted to impress his parents. If he did well in school his parents would reward him, usually with something like a toy, or some money. Ichigo did his best and made his parents quite proud. But, Ichigo was lonely because he spent more time studying than playing with his friends. If he had time after studying, he'd play tag with his classmates. In gym he worked hard but with no doubt he was better at schoolwork then sports. Once Ichigo entered middle school the school work seemed easier, so he looked for friends instead of studying at lunch. Once Ichigo found some people that he sort of fit in with becoming friends with them was quite easy and had lots of fun with those friends. A few people in the school made fun of him and his friends for their top grades. They called Ichigo ‘strawberry’ and his friends nerds. He didn’t like that. Then as those people kept making fun of him the anger just kept building up in him and soon he couldn't contain it, one day he had enough of it and decided to attack them. They weren't really that tough after all and Kaoru won. After that burst of anger he had no idea why it continued to flow. Ichigo was annoyed really quickly after that. If Ichigo was annoyed his anger would rush out like volcanic eruption. Once Ichigo entered high school it was easier to keep his anger under control. That was because Ichigo had some strategies to calming himself like listening to a song he liked or taking a jog. Usually after school Ichigo would go for a run with his MP3 player on to calm himself before going home. This worked magnificently. Ichigo made a lot of friends in high school because of his good grades and times on the 100-500M sprints. Ichigo wasn't made fun of anymore because of his balance in both grades and running. In high school he studied a lot because it was a lot harder than middle school. He spent most of his free time studying so his mother usually had to slip dinner under the door. Ichigo passed high school with good grades. If Ichigo wanted he could've continued school but he didn't really feel like it. Ichigo had the interest of mobile weapons because he wanted to protect the people of Orb... and to do that he needed to know a lot about mobile suits, so Ichigo decided to study mobile suits. Ichigo thought that if he studied mobile weapons first he'd have a better chance of being accepted. After Ichigo passed high school instead of going to college and university Ichigo went to the library everyday learning about the one thing he wanted to learn....Mobile Weapons. Ichigo didn't go to a college cause they gave extra lessons while he wanted just to learn about MWs. Once he knew a lot he thought he'd enlist with the FREE Forces in order to become an MS Pilot. Edited April 17, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 9, 2007 Share Posted April 9, 2007 (edited) Just so you know, the Pilot Academy is completely separate from the mainstream RP. (Except for the fact that you need a License via graduating from the Academy in order to pilot Mobile Weapons/Suits) You could clarify by saying that Kawahira is still in the training phase or something like that. (And like most military forces, he would've had to go through Basic Training first.) As for your profile, you could elaborate a little more about the source of his anger. (i.e. is it just people making fun of him or something even deeper/fundamental such?) Also, where did his sudden interest in Mobile Weapons originate from? (It seemed very abrupt in comparison to the rest of the Personal History.) Still, it's a pretty decent profile. Oh, right, go and introduce yourself at the 'Introductions' section as well if you haven't done so already. Edited April 10, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 9, 2007 Author Share Posted April 9, 2007 (edited) Thanks for the comments I'll edit it now finished editing I think lol the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya xD Edited April 9, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Admins are the ones that approve the profile, so you may have to wait a bit (and endure more suggestions from other users). Regarding the reason for your character's interest in MWs...you seem to have circular logic in that statement. Basically your character has an interest in MWs because he wants to protect Orb...yet in order to protect Orb, he needed to learn about MWs. (There still isn't a clear correlation between his will to protect his nation to that of biga** robots. ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Author Share Posted April 10, 2007 I added something in. I hope it's all right now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 The personality is written in fragmented sentences. Please also look through the history. The poor sentence structures are a big distraction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Author Share Posted April 10, 2007 BUMP I made the senteces/ pararaphs more spaced and organized it a bit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 "do very dumb things" - Can you give examples of what dumb things he does? "Ichigo has a lot of Perseverance will not give up unless tried ALOT times and have failed over and over again but will try again once he has improved at what he failed at" This sentence is contradictory and confusing. A minor note, but it's nothing crucial... You might want to capitalize Orb if you wish to apply for Orb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Author Share Posted April 10, 2007 Yes I do wish to apply for orb... and is that better? also just a question... but I don't think I've ever seen "the soldiers of fire" in the show... xD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 Soldiers of Fire is a faction of Valiant's own design. They're basically the successors (or derivation) of Serpent Tail and are the main mercenary organization in Advent Destiny. (Info should be at the 'Getting Started' link or at the new Wiki. ) The Personality still sounds a bit...awkward. I don't know but it seems like you're trying to stuff too many traits in all at once. It's fine to have differing aspects of personality but it should be put in a more coherent manner. Iono, I may come back to this to address specifics later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 12, 2007 Author Share Posted April 12, 2007 Darn.. tripple post... but I want mine to be looked at... please... bump... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Try not to bump it excessively. Be patient. The 'bump' guideline was meant for times when the thread gets pushed halfway down the list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Playing in a literate role playing game requires a lot of patience. I hope you would be able to refrain from excessive bumping in the future. The appearance is too brief. I can hardly picture him from the descriptions you provided. Whatever I mentioned earlier weren't changed. Also, please correct the various grammatical errors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 12, 2007 Author Share Posted April 12, 2007 Ok... sorry about the BUMPing... its only for like almost halfway down? I'll remember... sorry. Anyways I changed appearance and personality Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Provoked easily because of anger EX: You couldn't hurt anyone! person1 said. OH YEAH?! Ichigo screamed. Ichigo punched person1's friend person2. Person 1 and Person2 attack Ichigo. "well you shouldn't have punched him" person1 said Please try to type coherently. Use proper sentence structure. I'll remind you that this is a literate role playing game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 12, 2007 Author Share Posted April 12, 2007 Is this better? I can';t think of an example... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 15, 2007 Share Posted April 15, 2007 What I mean by typing coherently is that this: Ichigo was born in a mid - class family not too poor not too rich his parents didn't spoil him Ichigos parents were'nt mean though. can be made more coherent if you split it up like this: Ichigo was born in a mid-class family. His parents did not spoil him but they did not treat him badly either. Since you already mentioned he's from a mid-class family, stating that the family is not too rich or too poor is redundant. The same goes for the rest of the history. Write more coherently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 I tried to make it a bit better. Please bring the comments. I wanna be accepted. but to do that I needa be criticized and make the profile really good first. so please comment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 Once Ichigo entered elementary school he worked hard, Kaoru worked hard because he wanted to impress his parents. Valiant was talking about sentences like this. You could have removed the redundancy of 'Kaoru worked hard' to: Once Ichigo entered elementary school he worked hard because he wanted to impress his parents. I'll take a more thorough look at it and PM you the specifics in order to make your History more coherent. (Though I may not be able to finish tonight.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 I tried my best... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 I know. Not everyone is on the same level of proficiency. The idea of pointing out such mistakes is for you to be able to identify and prevent such errors in the future. Anyways, I'll PM'ed you my revisions. Please do not just copy/paste. Take a look at it and compare it to your current entry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 16, 2007 Author Share Posted April 16, 2007 So I read it and try and make it more like yours but I can't copy and paste it even after I study it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 16, 2007 Share Posted April 16, 2007 I'm just saying look at it carefully first. Don't just copy/paste it without seeing the changes I made first, or else you will continue to make the same errors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bladester50 0 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Share Posted April 17, 2007 (edited) ok... It'll take a while but I'll read and see what I did wrong. Thanks for taking the time to do it Lol comparing yours to mine... Yours I read naturally while in mine I had to stop at some parts because it didn't sound right.... Next time I post something big like a RP post I'll remember to edit before I do... Edited April 17, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 It's all part of the learning process, don't worry too much about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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