Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 (edited) General Full name: Riku Ishimaru Nickname: Riku Age: 18 Gender: Male Race: Coordinator Occupation: Pilot and Mechanic/Mobile suit expert Birthplace: Aprilius City Citizenship: Aprilius City/PLANT Personality: Riku is very unique compared to the other cordinators. He learns faster than most cordinators at a early age but than that knowledge slows down at a later age and rise again at a different time. Riku had never cared much for anyone not even his family until he met someone, whom he became friends with... His parents passed away at a young age due to sickness;that was the time he started to care for his parents most. Riku also turned depressed most of the time after that incident... Only his friends could ever cheer him up. Appearance Height: 5'7ft Weight: 120 lbs Hair Colour and Style: natural black hair. Dyed with some strips of blondish ,gold-ish color Eye Colour: Riku eyes is naturally light blue but he usually wears his contacts that enhance his vision and also hides emotions that his natural eyes may show. To anyone else, his eyes would seem to change colour depending on the way light shines on it. It can be colors/shades of green,brown,blue, and black. Identifying Marks: necklace with a bell that turns different colors on his neck Skin Tone: Pale Build: Well built Clothing: Riku wears a Dark blue jacket/vest over a white shirt and black slacks. Handiness: Ambidextrous Background Mother: Michiyo Ishimaru (deceased), Real Mother - Unknown Father: Shun Ishimaru (deceased), Real Father - Unknown Siblings: Unknown Wife/Girlfriend: None for the moment... Personal History: At a age of 3 years or so, Riku was found in Aprilius City alone on the streets. Soon after Riku was sent into adoption; hoping to be adopted by a nice family to live with. After a month of waiting, Riku was adopted by a family whom was greatly wealthy. While raising him, they had noticed Riku had learned many things alot faster than the average cordinators. Although, after a while Riku seem to had slowed down on intellect and became a average cordinator or so it seemed. At the age of 14 Riku had only made a few friends at his school. Riku's parents were getting sick at the same time Riku attended school. Riku's parents were already very fragile and weak after Riku was 12. So the parents had drugs made for them so that they could live longer to see their child grow. Although the drugs made their physical appearance look impressive for their age; it had a long term effect. It would only last the parents around 2 years. The long term effect was unknown to the parents at the time until they started to feel weaker again... Riku did his best to make his parents proud. Until one day... While Riku attended school, he was suddenly called to the principals office. Riku was confused at what this was all about at the time. Once there, he was told that his parents were in the hospital and was about to die. Riku had been taken to the hospital to talk with his parents on their last day. Riku was mad at himself for what he couldn't do to help them. As his parents spoke to Riku, tears dropped from his face. His parents told Riku to be strong and that they had given all their fortune to Riku. Before dieing they told Riku they were proud of him, no matter what... From that day, Riku promised to be strong and make her parents proud. After that incident, Riku lived alone with his family maids; that tried to comfort him. He had only met a few friends that could comfort him. Riku had stopped talking to much people. After the incident, he never cried but instead was almost always depressed on most days. Although he promised he would be strong, his mind was still thinking about the incident. Over the years, Riku had been studying Mobile suits and became a mechanic. After 4 years, Riku was 18, he seemed to learn a lot easier now and faster; his average speed of learning was a little above average. Soon, he decided to get a job as a mobile suit pilot and become a mercenary. But first he needed a license... Edited May 28, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kct 0 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Other than the slightly erratic capitalization (the rest will say the same thing, like length, etc, seriously)... And about the MS license thing...I don't think you need to put it in the history...although I don't know about the rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 There's a bit more to it than erratic capitalization. :/ 1. Plants --> PLANTs. (PLANT is an acronym, so each letter should be capitalized.) And you could specify which particular colony he was found. Saying that he was 'found in plants' is far too vague. There are 12 main 'groups' of colonies and each group have several of those hourglass colony facilities. (i.e. Aprilius 1, Junius 7, etc.) 2. Personality: 'Riku is unlike anyone else, he is intelligent...' meaning the rest of us are just normal/stupid? :( In another words, be more specific about his supposed uniqueness. Also, you could be a little more specific about him 'meeting someone' though something like that would probably be more appropriate in the Personal History section. And to confirm according to your 'Personality' that Riku is intelligent, yet shy and depressed? 3. The section about his eye color supposedly changing may be considered a no-no here. The standard is to state a natural eye color though having colored contacts is allowed (though it must be mentioned in the eye color section). 4. Personal History (hoo boy...): "Riku was found somewhere in the plants without anyone nearby" (See point 1) "Riku was adopted by a wealthy family" (phrasing issue) and 'cordinater' --> Coordinator I don't think the staff would mind having an above-average Coordinator, since additional details could be revealed as the RP progresses. But in general, spelling, word usage, and grammar needs to be improved upon. (Which is why I didn't bother go through the rest of the history in detail.) P.S. Remember, it's not personal. We're here to help you get your profile approved ASAP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Share Posted March 26, 2007 (edited) Lol nah its fine, i was waiting till someone pointed out mistakes... cause it slowed me down when no one approved and no one mentioned any problems ~^.^~ i'll change, btw for that cordinator, that was my bad cause i didnt know how to spell that atm... i'll specify more soon xd EDIT: btw i just checked and i never put that "Riku was adopted by a wealthy family" part... it says "Not soon after Riku was adopted by a family whom was greatly wealthy" Edited March 26, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 That's because I quoted AND modified your original sentence, because the original was too awkward in the way it was phrased. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 27, 2007 Author Share Posted March 27, 2007 ah okie, so is it ok now?btw how should i start in the pilot academy? or do i need approval from a faction first? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 It still needs a bit of work but I'm too busy to look over the details this time around. Anyways, here's the order of things regarding your two other questions: 1. Get Character Profile approved by one of the Admins. (The profile will then be moved to the Character Library. 2. Get accepted by your desired faction. (Request in your character profile thread, AFTER approval) 3. Faction leader must approve members that can participate in the Pilot Academy. (Generally by roleplay experience, etc.) And each faction can only send 'two' applicants at a time, so it'll take a little while. It's probably best to wait for feedback from other people in order to get more than one perspective, I suppose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 1. You get chosen by the faction leaders to join the pilot academy if you RP well. 2. Why did his parents die? Just for the effect or was there a precipitating cause? 3. Many fragmented sentences. Please revise the history. 4. What's so significant about his parents dying and him crying? That is something that may happen to others. How did it shape his character or change him as a person? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 okie changed... btw question 2 and 4 are about the same idea/thing but rephrased... The parents dying was for effect but... his parents dying made it so he would have that memory of how they died and the fact that he promised to be strong ect. Also the crying part was just for effect since most would do it anyways .>" title="" /> plus from that day he never cried but instead became depressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 It is very coincidental that both parent die on the same day. What's the cause of death? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 well accually it was cause of some poison, but that was suppose to be found out later... but oh well doesnt matter, well changed now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 You could have made that unknown to him but still make their deaths seem more convincing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 well I'm not sure how -his parents are in a meeting and the group their meeting with poisoned them-... isn't convincing... what do you mean more convincing? can you elaborate more? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hannahkiki 0 Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 (edited) I think Valiant meant how come the group would want to poison the parents? People generally don't go around poisoning others for nothing. And I think there's a problem with your sentence structure. Please also read through when you finished typing and you can find some mistakes, like it should be "they" instead of "that", "dying" instead of "dieing" etc. Edited March 30, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 What I meant was, you could have left that part out of the background if you meant to, but still write their deaths in such a way that it seems convincing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 ok this is complicated to me now... so I'm just going to rephrase and say that the parents had taken drugs to make their physical appearance look better and live longer to raise Riku... but they didnt know that the drugs would actually only work for around 2 years before killing them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 What sort of drug would that be? That actually makes it more far-fetched and complicated. The drug is supposed to make them live longer but they die two years after using it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 31, 2007 Author Share Posted March 31, 2007 yeah basically... cause there was something wrong with the drugs, the drugs instead was only able to keep the body stable for about 2 years before collapsing and therefore making the parents sick and dying... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kct 0 Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Short question about appearance. How does the contacts he wear enhance his vision, and why he needs them? How does the necklace changes colours? Is it by reflection from light? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Why would they end up taking such a drug? Drugs require multiple levels of clinical trials before they are finally approved for use so any potential adverse drug reactions would have been detected in the initial testing phases. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted March 31, 2007 Author Share Posted March 31, 2007 aww this is getting confusing... oh and kct, when i say enhanced vision i just mean like what happens when you wear contacts and yes for the necklace, it should already say it changes colour depending on the way light is shined upon it... oh and val thats not always true, even through testings, there most likely would be side effects. Lets say because both parents blood type was A, the drugs didn't work as well on people with A type blood? And thus leading to the parents getting sick and dying... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 I'm a pharmacist in training so I know that well. They test the drug as much as they can before it is finally marketed. I don't see why the drug won't work well on people with type A blood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Share Posted April 1, 2007 Well that was just the side effect .>" title="" /> and plus the scientist who did this was hired by the parents... the tests worked on most people but they never tested on Type A people because as you said, they didn't think the drug wont work on type A... And plus science/drugs are mysterious things xd there isn't explanations for everything ~^.^~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 If the scientists miss out on that small detail, the boy could have won himself quite a sum of money by suing them. There's a standard protocol when it comes to clinical trials and I doubt they would have missed that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Ishimaru 0 Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 lets just assume it did -.- it'd be so much easier for all of us >.< cause these things "can" happen... Not like its impossible... just high chance of happening .>" title="" /> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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