Re: Jin Ortega(Waiting Approval)

[bren06 0]

Player

 

Player Name:Bren06

Character Number:1

Faction:NOVA

 

General

 

Full name: Jin Ortega

Nickname: none

Age: 18

Gender: Male

Race: (Natural or Coordinator)Natural

Occupation: pilot

Birthplace: New york, Atlantic federation

Citizenship: Orb

Personality: Quiet and distant, He has a small number of friends

and an even smaller amount of tolerance for people who mess around with his machines. He is quick to anger, especially when you hurt someone he loves. He will do anything for Rey, his girlfriend.

 

Appearance

 

Height: 5’ 9”

Weight: 195lbs

Hair Colour and Style: Black dirty and uncombed

Eye Colour: Grey

Identifying Marks: Many scars all over his body from various beatings as a child the most prominent scar runs across his back

Skin Tone: Lighter white

Build: Muscular but not to the point of total definition

Clothing: Wears numerous white oil stained shirts and black pants

Handiness: (Left-handed, Right-handed or Ambidextrous)left-handed

 

Background

 

Mother: Penny Ortega

Father: Tsume Ortega

Siblings: none

Wife/Girlfriend: Rey Langley

 

Personal History:

 

 

Jin Ortega was born to an elite mobile armor pilot, Tsume Ortega. Tsume was a kind loving father ,until during a grueling battle against the PLANTS, Tsume's mobile armor was shot and part of the inside exploded severely disfiguring him. Tsume became a drunk and began beating Jin. Jin, who was only a young boy at the time did nothing to defend himself. Jin's inability to respond only furthered Tsume's anger and made the beatings more and more brutal. When Jin was old enough and Tsume was sober enough, Jin was forced to learn how to pilot and how to fix machines. One day in drunken, crazy rage Tsume attacked Jin ,for not performing well enough, and savagely brutalized him almost to the point of death. From then on Jin never spoke a word to either of his parents.

 

 

The beatings continued and his father never changed until, one day when Jin was sixteen he came home and saw his dad attacking his mother. Not thinking Jin rammed his father pushing him to the ground and began punching him , trying as hard as he could to hurt him. His father did not move or try to fight back but began laughing. Finally he kept saying as he laughed. Penny, his mother, pushed Jin off Tsume and told him to get out and leave. Jin taken aback by this started to stutter but she cut him off and told him to just go.

 

 

  Leaving his house, Jin decided to move away from New York and all his painful memories. He put together what money he had and bought a ticket for Orb. Jin made it to Orb but when he got there he had no money left and no place to go. So he wandered the streets looking for a job or money or food or anything he could find. Days passed and he got nothing no one wanted to hire a ragged kid with few skills. He moved around and tried his best to find food.

 

 

  Several weeks later exhaustion had taken its toll. With no food and little water, Jin's body gave out and he might've died had it not been for a young girl who saw him pass out. She dragged him back to her house and nursed him back to health the best she could. Jin woke up two days later to find himself in a strange house with a strange girl. She told Jin her name was Rey Langley and what had happened to him and that since she was alone, her parnets were dead, he could stay with her for a while. Jin grateful to her for how she helped him did what he could to repay her.

 

 

  One day as Rey was walking back to her house a desperate beggar attacked her. Luckily, Jin was nearby and heard her scream and ran to help her. Seeing Rey being attacked, an immense anger took ahold of Jin. He tackled the beggar off of Rey and began viciously beating him. He punched as hard as he could never stopping beating him and beating and beating. Suddenly he heard Rey's voice she was yelling at him to stop. Not moving he looked at the man on the ground as he spit up blood and teeth. Jin got up and ran back to the house as fast as he could. He sprinted into the bathroom wiping the blood off his hands. He began shaking. What had he done? Why? He was only doing it to protect Rey...Rey. He remembered the horrified look she had and it was not at the man but at him, Jin. He did not notice as she walked into the bathroom and put her arms around him. He just kept staring right at his hands. She tried to comfort him and after awhile through immense gratitude and passion she kissed him.

 

 

  Remembering how he felt when he saw Rey being hurt. Jin decided to join Orb and the NOVA forces to pilot a mobile suit. He realized that he couldn't stand it when innocent people were hurt like he was. So he decided to do what he could to protect them from monsters like his father and the EAF who created his father.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 6, 2007 by Guest

[kyosuke009 0]

Well it seems you got the basics down but the Personal History is short, might i suggest looking in the Character Library for how an acceptable one looks like.   

[bren06 0]

Well i tried my best at adding to the personal history, but I don't know how it turned out. I think it's good but i am not sure

[Janus 5]

ok newbie here but I'm going to offer whatever I can with no critical personal opinion.

 

Could you check for capitals and spaces? You didn't use capitals for 'Jin' and you also missed the space in 'peopleare' (last paragraph).

 

Also Orb's not really big so it wouldn't be hard for the military/defense to monitor the whole of the nation (surface at least), so I thought setting the arena in open space like that wouldn't have gone unnoticed. I suggest you set it somewhere else away from Orb and then link it back to a reason.

[bren06 0]

Alright, I significantly simplified the personal history because it was unrealistic and I did not like what was going on in it. So I changed it. I hope it's better. Oh and I also looked at the grammer but it's not my strong suit so any help would be appreciated.

[Wilhelm 0]

Okay, I looked at your history and i was surprised...so I decided the best example would be to re-write it. Also putting a one of two line gap between paragraphs helps a lot.

 

Jin Ortega was born to a former Elite mobile armor pilot by the name of Tsume Ortega. In a heated space battle Tsume’s mobile armor received severe damage from enemy forces. As a result from this damage, it left Tsume’s body disfigured, eventually costing him his arm. Tsume over taken by the pain and anguish of becoming an oddity spent his time at the mercy of alcohol. The alcohol corrupted Tsume causing him to be extremely abusive to his wife Penny, and ultimately Jin. As a result of several beatings Jin suffered many wounds which turned into scars from the torment he received. Jin came to despise his father for the physical and emotional scarring. Although the hate inside Jin was great, his father taught him many skills one of which was the intricate way of piloting a Mobile Armor and the tools associated to machine maintenance.

 

  Eventually, Confused and hurt after a savage beating from his father, Jin ran away from home at the ripe age of sixteen and managed to make his way to Orb. His hated towards his father grew every minute he grew away from them. This hatred then shifted its target to the Earth Alliance, whom Jin believes caused his father’s unstable condition, and the trauma inflicted on Jin’s troubled past.

 

  Jin eventually arrived at Orb as a stowaway on a refugee vessel. In Orb he wandered the streets for days with no money, or a place to stay. In those days wandering around the island city, hunger started to fill the back of his mind. With no way to nourish his body, Jin eventually gave in to his weakened stat, and lost consciousness. Jin originally thought he would pass on from his malnourished body, but due to the help of a young girl by the name of Rey Langley. She took him into her care, recuperating him back into perfect health. Unlike Jin, Rey was an orphan, and longed for the company of another. In turn She allowed Jin to stay with her for months on end. After what would seem like weeks they became closer than friends becoming close lovers.

 

Okay, I rewrote this for you to show you an example of quality we’re looking for. Please elaborate as much as you can on the small things, such as I have with Rey’s relationship with your character. Elaboration is your best friend. Its not even my character, and I can already write a full history. Just don’t let your mind wander, if I can offer some advice, brainstorm your characters history, Past (His family life with his father) (Escaping to Orb) Present (Meeting Rey, the thing that made her fall in love with Jin) (Jin’s quest for employment and ?) the “????” is all up to you.

[Janus 5]

wow you took my comment quite strictly. I didn't intend for you to scrap a whole paragraph but if you think it was appropriate then it's fine by me.

 

Now for a bit more input- I just came up with an idea for Jin's motivation. You could make it so that because he despised the EAF and excelled at mechanics more than everything else, he decided to join Zaft/Orb Military Mechanics to develop technology that could ultimately take out his revenge on the EAF. Bent(or blinded if you like) on this, he strives to further push the boundaries of Mobile Units regardless of the ethical or moral issues involved.

 

Well that was just something that came into mind when I reread the post see if you like anything in it.

[bren06 0]

I revised the history a lot. It is much more detailed and in depth now but I don't know. Take a look and help me out please.

[Janus 5]

You changed it quite a bit but it's better now in my opinion. 

 

It's alright she said. It's okay. He didn't understand. Why? Why was it okay he had nearly killed a man. You saved me she said.

 

Here, however, I think you should use proper speech structure. Use the ""s and space it correctly. Not sure if it's required here in AD but from my experience you ought to.

[bren06 0]

I changed it to quotes. Thanks for the help.

[liubei013 0]

Sorry, didn't get a chance to look at this earlier, despite having already looked at several profiles near yours on the list.

 

1. Personality:  Grammatically, it's incorrect to use the word 'amount' to refer to whole objects.  (e.g. amount of rice would work since you can have partial units, but you cannot have a 'part' of a person)  Change that first bit to 'number of friends' instead.

 

He will do anything for Rey

You could be a little more descriptive with this sentence.  You may also want to state who 'Rey' is in this sentence.  (And yes, I know it is already stated in the Background Information section as well.)

 

2. Build:  I'm still having a little trouble visualizing what you mean by "Muscular but not built."  Do you mean he's muscular, but not heavily built or perhaps 'muscular and lean,' for example?

 

3. History: *cracks knuckles*

 

In the first paragraph, I sincerely doubt someone can be born to an 18 meter+ tall robot.  (I think you meant to state that he was "born to an elite mobile suit pilot." 

Second of all, the EAF had no mobile suits at the beginning of the First Valentine War.  Not only that, you contradict his father's role with "Tsume's mobile armor..."  So it may be more appropriate to say that his father was an elite mobile ARMOR pilot.

 

If I added the years right, Jin would only be three years old at the onset of the first war.  I think a kid would still be learning his ABCs, much less about mechanics and piloting.  Not only that, his birthplace is a contradiction.  Australia is a part of the Oceania Union, which allied itself with the PLANTs. 

 

I think the dialogue in the History is a little iffy.  While the History is meant to provide the background for the character, it isn't meant to be a short story.  You could remove the dialogue and describe the events that centered the character's relationship with his significant other instead.

 

In the last paragraph, while the motivation is clear, I don't understand how he suddenly want to become a mechanic for the military.  Considering his aggression, it seems he would rather fight instead.  So you could elaborate on his reasons for such.

 

All in all, not bad, but it still needs a bit of work.  You also have some spelling and grammar errors here and there.

(examples: Using 'it's' instead of 'its,' in which the second is used for possession, or 'form' instead of 'from')

[bren06 0]

I tried looking for grammer but I am not very good at that only found the stuff you talked about. I also changed it so that his dad forced him to learn later in life and I agree he is to aggresive to want to be a mechanic so I changed him to a pilot. Thanks for all the help. Oh and I changed his build to muscular but not to the point of definition does that make sense?

Edited June 19, 2007 by Guest

[liubei013 0]

This profile has improved quite a bit.  As you know, I do all this in order to help you refine your profile until it can be approved.  I do not see any significant issues with the content of your History this time around.  There are a few grammar/spelling errors here and there, but not so many as to cause detriment to your profile.   :)

 

About the only issue would be his birthplace.  New York is still around, but the U.S. isn't (in name).  The former United States of America formed with nearby countries and is now known as the Atlantic Federation.

 

Other than that, I think all you need are some second opinions by other members and if they don't find much wrong, then Valiant will see if this will be approved.

 

EDIT: Bugger...sorry.  It's not that the U.S. doesn't exist anymore, but it's part of a larger union of nations.  So you'd probably don't need to change what I mentioned above.  (Unless you want to clarify by adding the Atlantic Federation to his birthplace.)

Edited June 19, 2007 by Guest

[darkphoenix 0]

i.e. "former US, Atlantic Federation"

[bren06 0]

alright sounds good thanks I changed it

Edited July 4, 2007 by Guest

[Valiant 96]

Do you need to make any more changes?

[bren06 0]

I don't think so. It seems fine to me.

[Valiant 96]

Please add the new section.

[bren06 0]

Updated

[Valiant 96]

Um... Please note that Orb is no longer a faction. Check the site updates.

[bren06 0]

oh uh yeah...sorry about that

[Valiant 96]

Approval from me.

[liubei013 0]

[align=center]

 

Orb Union Bureau of Citizenry

Kusanagi City, United Emirates of Orb[/align]

 

This is to certify that Mr. Jin Ortega is a native citizen of the United Emirates of Orb, which is a member of the Non-Offensive Vanguard Alliance (NOVA), and is to be accorded with the same rights as all other loyal citizens of the Orb Union.

 

Furthermore, this citizen is an enlisted soldier in the Federation of Royal Emirates Elite (FREE) Forces, holding the rank of Private, with duties and responsibilities thereof.

 

Signed and Noted by:

First Lieutenant Demetrius Amherst