Setyono 0 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 (edited) General Full name:Ren Yamamoto Nickname:Ren Age:17 Gender:Male Race:Coordinator Occupation:MS Pilot Birthplace:Plant Citizenship:Januarius(Plant) Personality:Nice,easygoing guy,a bit shy,can be really angry when mocked Appearance Height:180cm Weight:65 Hair Colour and Style:Dark Brown,A bit spiky Eye Colour:Purple/Lavender Identifying Marks:None Skin Tone:White Build:Normal Clothing:Black Jacket with a White t-shirt inside,and a light brown pants Handiness:Right-handed Background Mother: Kaede Kaoru Father: Kouichi Yamamoto(Deceased) Siblings:None Wife/Girlfriend:None Personal History: Ren was a boy that is loved by his parents,his father died because a MS fight.The accident happened when he was 15,he accompanied his father for a business trip,in the shuttle port the passanger shuttle can't launch,so the shuttle personels made all passengers go with an transportation plane,Ren and his father didn't mind,surprisingly the transport ship had a MS for guard it's a training type ginn after they set out and headed to the moon,the ship navigation system malfunctioned and the pilot was asleep,so he set it to the autopilot mode suddenly they heard a large noise,theres a MS fight outside,back then ren was inside the ginn,the ship mechanic allowed him to look around inside the cockpit,until the one of the MS involved in the fight crashed into the shipand exploded,but Ren survived the explosion driven by anger he picks up a beam gun using the ginn,he went berserk and destroyed 3 daggers,after that a ZAFT force arrived and the daggers retreated,it appears that they're pirates.The ZAFT forces took Ren's ginn in,and took him back to Januarius,he informed his mother andafter a few day his father body was buried.Ren went to the Pilot academy,to become stronger,and to avenge his father death. Edited June 7, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonDaimyo 3 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 The really big problem here is the History. It is nowhere near long enough. Please look at some examples in the Character Library to get a good sense of about how long the Personal History needs to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 (I seriously hope this profile is still a 'Work in Progress'...) Also, your format is wrong. Only the information headers should be in bold. Example: Full name: Ren Yamamoto Nickname: Ren Age: 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Setyono 0 Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 Fixed it,comments please Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Please expand more on the personality and the history. Like DD mentioned, look through the Character Library to have a feel of the standard here on Advent Destiny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kct 0 Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Other than that, please work on your grammar, it seems to look like it was made up of 3 extremely long sentences, something which would not be very good if people were to look through it. Expand on the other stuff, not history alone, the profile will look too 2-dimensional this way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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