Jackie Moonshine

[MatheusK123 0]

Hi It's Matheus and I would like the approval of this character:

General

 

Full name: Jackie Moonshine

Nickname: Mr Moon

Age: 16

Gender: male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: militar

Birthplace: Japan/Tokyo

Citizenship: October City PLANT

Personality: Energetic and usually with good mood, always try to keep the moral of the team high.Dislike the idea of inoccent people dying because of other peoples affairs.Always rush into battle every time possible.Althought he is a gentleman he never had any kind of love relation and hate to be restrained.

 

Appearance

Height: 1,7 meters

Weight: 82 kg

Hair Colour and Style: long straight black hair

Eye Colour: black

Identifying Marks: none

Skin Tone: white

Build: normal build

Clothing: civilian:white sweter with blue jeans

             militar: white pilot helmet and normal EA male military uniform

Handiness: Ambidextrous

 

Background

 

Mother: unknown

Father: unknown

Siblings:unknown

Wife/Girlfriend: unknown

 

Personal History:

      When he was 2 years old,he was thown away by his parents ,because they couldn't afford raising him.Was addopted by a colony comercian,who found him dumped in street.He grew surrounded with family,his mother Louis Dread Moonshine and his father Sherman Moonshine,as a gentleman but he could never foget his past.

      During his childhood he was a lonely kid because he had fear people would abandon him,he enjoyed playing video games ,tennis and reading.But he changed his way of thinking when his sister,Teresa Moonflower, was born and he assumed the role of the big protective brother.

      Worked in his father company ,Moonshine exportations,for 5 years as an assistant where he met his best friend ,Peterson Walters,his family business entered in falencia and he had to join the army because of the money .During the academic time he made some friends,Julio Hufer and Garv Mern.They became close friends due to the hard trainings and the need of a friendly support.Julio is a serious and smart fellow who entered the army just to prove his superior intelect.Garv entered the army after running away from home,he said to had argued with his parents about enlisting ,he is usally agressive and cold with others but he has a good heart.

      In the begining he had fear of real combat but after he piloted one he became amused with such power and felt an urge to test it.He trained in the simulator every day just to be sure he would be ready for the final exam.He mastered managing the sniper rifle and is good with machine guns.

      When he was going to graduate the academy he thought of taking a MS out for training ,but he was caught and expelled,his friends tried to defend him but he assumed the guilty.After that he foud a job thanks to Peterson and worked as a junk collector .1 year later he was asked to reenlist the army but this time he entered the EA because of military tecnology affairs.He joined the oposite army because he felt frustrated with ZAFT and anger of his ex-colony member that after he was expelled they considered him a traitor.

       His cargo ship was captured by an EA patrol fleet while he was capturing some broken MS parts to sell, and was ofered to him a post in the EA after he was interrogated ,during the interrogation he show then all his inner anger, they made a deal ,as long as he went to the EA academy and give then a MS relatory about the training simulators ,MS units and other defensive structures.He aggred with one condition that he would never be restrained and his partners wouldn't know his past.They thaught of using him as a sort of spy and a alread trained militar ofice.

His specialities in combat are supporting fire(sniping or cover firing) and camouflage.

Edited May 7, 2007 by Guest

[talon 0]

could you expand on the history a bit? Grammar and spelling is in need of some work and capitalization on words like October. Also in the personality you stated that he hates wars  but then you contradicted yourself by saying he always rushes into battles. If you hate wars you don't want to fight, if you want to fight you don't hate wars.

 

Keep trying and you'll get there.

[MatheusK123 0]

is it any better?

[talon 0]

Its better but some of the info is inconsistent like him joining the military  because of the war... the RP is taking place 12 years after the second bloody valentine war so that would mean your character was 4 years old during the first war(there have been no wars since). My advice would be to make your character join the military because of some other reason.

[MatheusK123 0]

I've made some drastic changes is it better?

[kct 0]

Other than that, work is needed in the gramar and spelling department, it's tough to go through it. some of the sentences seems rushed.

 

Also, how can his parents be terrorist targets? Terrorists from where?

[Valiant 96]

Please change the formatting of the history.

 

Try to space paragraphs out to allow us to read it more easily.

 

Read through the history again. There are many fragmented sentences.

 

The template is just a guide for you, not a form for you to fill in. Things like his appearance and clothes can be better described so that we can actually visualize how he looks like.

[MatheusK123 0]

Anyone could please help me fix the personal history?

Edited May 7, 2007 by Guest

[Valiant 96]

I have stated things that need to be changed. You should work on those. Don't expect others to actually write it for you because you are going to RP here. You'll need to write such things yourself.

[MatheusK123 0]

I just wanted somebody to see if it is becoming any good while i make some changes.

[liubei013 0]

It still needs a lot of work, especially with grammar. 

 

I will not point out every single error since it is up to you to read over and to correct your own mistakes.  We're only here to lend a helping hand in the process.

 

Anyways...

 

1.  Use.  The.  Spell Check.

2. Starting from the top...

Your occupation state nothing but 'militar.'  Be clear and specific.

The stated birthplace was listed as 'Japan/Tokyo.'  If you've ever read any lists or databases showing stock prices, weather, or whatever, cities are listed first followed by the country.  --> Tokyo, Japan

 

3. The most common grammatical issue:  You have a tendency to start your sentences with verbs rather than a subject, or sentences that lack it altogether.  Your Personality and Personal History section has this issue occurring far too often. 

e.g.

Dislike the idea of inoccent people dying because of other peoples affairs.Always rush into battle every time possible.

 

To this:

He dislikes the idea of innocent people dying due to other people's affairs.  He always rushes into battle at every moment possible.

  (And yes, I also reworded other parts of the sentence.)

 

4. Description:  I've never heard of anyone having a natural eye color of black.  The only condition that would result in 'black' eye color would be Aniridia, a condition that is "characterized by an extremely underdeveloped iris..."  (Cite: Wikipedia)

 

What is a 'normal' build?  Be more specific.

Same with what Valiant mentioned regarding your character's clothing.  By the way, a standard EA white uniform isn't a standard issue pilot suit, so having a helmet with an uniform like that is a bit awkward.

 

5. Background:  It makes sense that if your character didn't know his genetic parents, it would be an unknown.  But if he's been adopted, that would mean he DOES HAVE parents.  You just need to state that they are his ADOPTIVE parents. 

 

6. Personal History: I will not go through much of this.  Figure things out yourself.

 

Paragraph 1, Line 1 here: "Was adopted by by a colony comercian..."  First off, see above number 3.  Second off...what the heck is a comercian?

 

In the begining he had fear of real combat but after he piloted one he became amused with such power and felt an urge to test it

You did not mention when he joined the military and for what reason.

 

7. And you still did not fix the spacing of your paragraphs.  Instead of this:

        Worked in his father company ,Moonshine exportations,for 5 years as an assistant where he met his best friend ,Peterson Walters,his family business entered in falencia and he had to join the army because of the money .During the academic time he made some friends,Julio Hufer and Garv Mern.They became close friends due to the hard trainings and the need of a friendly support.Julio is a serious and smart fellow who entered the army just to prove his superior intelect.Garv entered the army after running away from home,he said to had argued with his parents about enlisting ,he is usally agressive and cold with others but he has a good heart.

      In the begining he had fear of real combat but after he piloted one he became amused with such power and felt an urge to test it.He trained in the simulator every day just to be sure he would be ready for the final exam.He mastered managing the sniper rifle and is good with machine guns.

 

...it should be like this:

Worked in his father company ,Moonshine exportations,for 5 years as an assistant where he met his best friend ,Peterson Walters,his family business entered in falencia and he had to join the army because of the money .During the academic time he made some friends,Julio Hufer and Garv Mern.They became close friends due to the hard trainings and the need of a friendly support.Julio is a serious and smart fellow who entered the army just to prove his superior intelect.Garv entered the army after running away from home,he said to had argued with his parents about enlisting ,he is usally agressive and cold with others but he has a good heart.

 

In the begining he had fear of real combat but after he piloted one he became amused with such power and felt an urge to test it.He trained in the simulator every day just to be sure he would be ready for the final exam.He mastered managing the sniper rifle and is good with machine guns.

 

As mentioned previously, I will not go through each and every error.  That is for you to go and revise.

Edited May 12, 2007 by Guest