physalis0083 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 (edited) General Full Name : Raeve Church Nickname : White Phoenix Age : 21 Gender : Male Race : Coordinator Biological Enhancement : none Occupation : Factory Worker Birthplace : November 4 Citizenship : November Alignment : PLANT Personality : Raeve has been withdrawn and self reliant ever since leaving his father. He has always been polite and caring to new people. Expects more out of people then they are willing to give. Raeve being to gabby always loses sight of his tasks when conversing with a lady. When it is time to really get work done he clams up and focuses directly on the work. Leaving the whole world out till the mission is accomplished. Raeve enjoys stews, gaming, music, and learning new things. He can't stand people to full of themselves, and being told when to talk. Appearance Height : 6'5" Weight : 165lbs Hair color and style : blonde, medium length, middle part. Eye Color : Blue Identifying Marks : medical wrap along right arm Skin Tone : white (Caucasian) Build : Tall and thin Clothing : Head - Beanie (black with silver spear from back, along the upper side, to the front. Chest - T-shirt (red) with tribal design on the front (black). A jacket (white), with a cross (red, with silver lining) tilted to the right on the back. Legs - Cargo pants (white, with black diamond shapes on each leg, top tilted outward.), Boots (white, steel toe) Accessories : Glasses (red, round thin frames), cross necklace, prayer beads. Handiness : right-handed Background Mother : Adriana Irwin Church - coordinator - Deceased/mother in-law Deidre Weld Church43- natural Father : Colm Church- 48 - independent mechanic on Earth- natural Siblings : Brother Rufus 10 - natural, living with father, cousins Alex and Ken - coordinator, enrolled in ZAFT. Wife/Girlfriend : none Personal History: C.E. 70 2-14 Bloody Valentine, 243,721 lives were lost, and among them was Raeve's mother. Traumatized by the loss Raeve vows never to get close to someone again, a heavy burden for someone so young. Feeling no need to stay in space, his Father buys them passage to Earth. Without family on earth, and no home, Raeve and his father roam from city to city. Finally his father lands a job as a mechanic in Vancouver. With this Raeve can be more like a child, playing with neighboring kids, and spending quality time with his father. Then slowly his father started spending more, and more time at work. Raeve began to worry. Months passed and Raeve became more and more troubled by his fathers' absence. One day while returning from running an errand, Raeve caught a glimpse of his father, but before he could call out to him a women emerged from a house, and then threw her arms around his father. Confused by what he saw he scurried away. The next day Raeve fought up the courage to ask his father about the woman, and he received an answer he didn't want, “She’s the lady, that I want to be your next mommy." Caught by surprise he did what any kid would, “I don't want another mommy." He screamed as he ran to his room. Raeve’s father never tried to consult him, and try to make Raeve understand. In the end, and to Raeve's disliking, his father married Deidre, and then three years later Raeve had a little brother. Not being able to stand his father any more, Raeve ran away going to the only place he knew he'd be welcome his Aunts'. He knew is aunt lived on Aprilius 3, Raeve, before he had left, managed to acquire some money he, and his father were saving, with that Raeve bought passage on a shuttle. When he finally arrived, his aunt was met with surprise, even though she was mad at him, she easily welcomed Raeve into her home. Life at his aunts' was quiet, and simple, quite opposite of his life on Earth. He went to school with his two cousins; Alex and Ken, and spent the rest of his time reading. One day he received a package from his father; it contained a cross necklace and prayer beads that belonged to his mother. It also had a note saying “These were your mothers'."Raeve wished there be more to the note, but there wasn't. A few years passed and Raeve decided to step out into the world on his own, with heartfelt goodbyes he left Aprilius for his birthplace November. It didn't take long for young Raeve to find a job. He began working in a Factory, mainly moving supplies from one facility to another. Living freely was nice, and the years flew by. It wasn't a month before his 22 birthday when a drunken madman attacked the factory. He piloted a Bu-Cue, where he got it? Who knows, but it looked like a scrapheap if you asked Raeve. Raeve before even thinking, jumped into a near by factory construction suit, and attacked, he was thrown aside in a flash. The liquids seeping from the suit quickly caught flame, and all at once Raeve’s life flashed before him. Then in a furious rage he rose like a phoenix, and with what was left of the suit punched out the main camera of the mobile suit in a surprise attack. With the camera disabled, the other workers used the opening to tie down the Bu-Cue with the (I'm leaving this open for anyone who know what type of metal would be good here) cables, stored in the construction suits arms, It laid there struggling, till it finally ran out of power. After a long examination, the military found the suit barely operational, and began interrogations on the old man, to see where he got the suit. It turned out the drunk was a former employee whose was fired for stealing supplies. After being treated for 1st degree burns along his right arm, Raeve was released from the hospital and given a month's vacation. Before he could even enjoy the time off a spark ignited inside him, a fire desiring combat as its fuel. With that he applies for the ZAFT military, leaving behind his once peaceful life, and his once smiling mother. Edited May 4, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hannahkiki 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 If you expect your profile to be accepted, there's lots more to work on. One very important thing, you cannot state that you join the academy or is a pilot in training unless the faction you join send you. The personal history is too short, please look at other profiles in the character library to see the standard accepted here. And if Raeve's mother died, how did the younger brother came about? Did his father remarry? Your phrasing of sentences can be improved on too, and of course, there's the little things like spacing between words etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Share Posted April 1, 2007 (edited) Thanks I didn't think to much on the academy so that a goof on my part I completely forgot to add that the father remarries I've never really been a good writer or storyteller, sorry if that bothers you. Any criticism is welcome but you gotta love the motto!! Edited April 1, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hannahkiki 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 No, it does not bother me Please don't take it the wrong way, I also want your profile to be accepted asap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Share Posted April 1, 2007 Alright made some changes a bit longer backround, and some minor details tell me what you think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkphoenix 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Well, not bad for beginning, altough spacing...well, it makes profile really hard to read. And for me seems strange, that his father moved to Earth after Bloody Valentine - Blue Cosmos and so forth... *** If this profile be approved, then your character will get sworn enemy)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Share Posted April 1, 2007 Alright some spacing changes and father never really loved the mother thats why he left Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkphoenix 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Hmmm, I mean, his father was Natural or Coordinator? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Share Posted April 1, 2007 almost forgort about that thaxs made the fix in siblings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Please rewrite the personality part in proper sentences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 right how's it look now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 The sentences are still fragmented. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Alright changed it I think give me a example if still not right Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Polite and caring to new people, tends to expect more out of people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Alright any other advice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 You seem confused with tenses. Normally, I wouldn't pick on such errors but there's just too many and they are really glaring errors. Finally his father gets a job as a mechanic in Vancouver. With this Raeve feels more like a child playing with neighboring kids,and spending time with his father. Then slowly his father started spending more and more time at work. When he finally arrived at his aunt he was meet with surprise, though mad at him for running away This sentence is terribly wrong. After a long examination the military found the suit barely operational, and began interrogation's on the drunk on where he got it. It turned out the drunk was a former employee whose was fired for stealing supplies. You shouldn't use the same preposition twice so soon in a sentence. Raeve before even thinking jumped into a near by construction suit and attack, in a flash he was down. A construction suit? Or a suit under construction? He was down? Down where? Or who was down? How did he survive the flaming wreckage? Even if he did, I doubt he escapes unhurt. tie down the Bu-Cue with cables till it finally ran out of power How do you tie down an MS? Maybe with some heavy machinery operating strong, durable cables, you can. All these were from a simple glance of the history. I didn't have time to look in detail. I just pointed out the major errors. There are others too. Please do review the whole profile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Alright rewrote a few parts ,don't think it's perfect so how's it look Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 20, 2007 Author Share Posted April 20, 2007 BUMP sry I just don't like writing to much Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xen 0 Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 BUMP sry I just don't like writing to much Uhhh kick me if this is a stupid question, but then why are you on a forum based RP site? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 I can write I just write fast with little regard for grammer and such I think grammer is over rated, I mean do you go online to write perfectly I had to change the name off this post because they ignored me after awhile I'm not perfect and I don't know anyone who is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonDaimyo 3 Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 I think grammer is over rated, I mean do you go online to write perfectly When I come here, yes. Yes I do. As close to perfect as I can get at any rate. When I write up a character, I want to write up a character that fits a couple of key criteria. A.) I will enjoy playing as my character. B.) Others can understand my character (excluding, of course, characters who simply have unusual motives or the like) and can interact with that character appropriately. I want to enjoy role playing and I want others to enjoy role playing, and clear spelling and grammar from everyone makes that much easier IMO. I'm not perfect and I don't know anyone who is You're right: nobody is perfect. We all make silly mistakes, but at least we try. I don't mean to sound like an arrogant jerk, and I apologize if I do, but attitude is important. With that out of the way, let us move on to your profile (which seems to be your main focus anyway). It looks like you've fixed most of the tense problems Valiant pointed out earlier, but there's still some errors in the first paragraph of the Background. Raeve's stepmother's name is spelled two different ways in the background and family sections, and both of those look very unwieldy (though maybe that bit is just me). Double-check the spelling and make sure you use the one you want in both places. As for your battle with the BuCUE vs. Construction suit, I'm pretty sure lunar-titanium was only developed in Universal Century, meaning you need to make those cables out of something else. Every other error I can see is grammatical, but there's a lot of them. For example: Raeve before even thinking jumped into a near by factory construction suit and attack, in a flash he was thrown aside. Should be changed to: Raeve, before even thinking, jumped into a nearby factory construction suit and attacked, but he was thrown aside in a flash. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 Dragon this is what I like people trying to help. not like Valiant didn't mind you. But it gets to me when I have to post something like before to get attention. I mean before this post use to be: Raeve Church(Will Take Any Advice), I only got advice from valiant, was everyone else afraid or something. But thanks for info will change, punctuation and missing little things are my writing problems thats why I need help a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kct 0 Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 Well, some of us here would like to help, but issues with real life are more important (some of us are pretty busy in this period). Pushing it would never work well, just try to calm down or inform one of the mods or admins to have a look at this. As for corrections, using Word for checking the errors would not do much harm to your profile. Use it to check the errors here and there, it does wonders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
physalis0083 0 Posted April 21, 2007 Author Share Posted April 21, 2007 oddly enough i did, but still missed them and i was calm, i didn't repost for like a month Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hannahkiki 0 Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 (edited) Can I please request for you to run through this once in Microsoft Word and posting the end product here? Thank you. Edited May 1, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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