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Moyokoshi Araki (Complete)


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Full name: Moyokoshi, Araki

Nickname: Heartless

Age: 24

Gender: Male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Mobile Suit Pilot, Mechanic

Birthplace: City of Kusanagi

Citizenship: Orb Union

Alignment: Neutral

Personality: Araki isn't a very caring person, he's selfish, self-centered and arrogant. Although he’s all of these things he would do anything for the Orb Union, or anything for anyone (had it benefit him in someway). The most valuable asset of his personality is that he doesn’t have to see a person just hear their voice, he can tell exactly (general idea) of what they are feeling at that exact moment and use it to his advantage. With this ability of his he can easily play with peoples emotions and bend them to his will, generally setting them up without them knowing it. 




Height: 6' 3"

Weight: 180lbs

Hair Colour and Style: Blond, Short

Eye Colour: Green

Identifying Marks: None

Skin Tone: White

Build: Muscular,Lean

Clothing: When he is in battle he wears a heavy battle suit (as shown in the picture), it is worn down, with all kinds of scratches and such all over it. When he's working he wears a standard military uniform. When he dresses like a civilian he usually wears jeans, running shoes and a plain t-shirt.

Handiness: Ambidextrous

Picture: http://i127.photobucket.com/albums/p154/YondaimeKinachi/sasukewallpapervt0-3.jpg




Mother: Moyokoshi, Kikyo (45 Years Old, Currently Resides in The City of Kusanagi)

Father: Moyokoshi, Kinachi (Deceased, Former Orb Naval General)

Siblings: None

Wife/Girlfriend: None


Personal History:


Araki was born on April 22nd, in the Orb Union's capital. He had been born into a military family, for the last five generations every male in the family had been a high ranking military official. Araki's parents were both young coordinators, Araki's father had just entered the military the year before, and his mother was a scientist and often came home smelling of different chemicals. Araki's father was rarely home, as with most cases in the military he was heavily busy, and Araki's mother was no better, always working on different experiments and sometimes not coming home at all.


By the age of three Araki had already been through seven nannies. Many of them just couldn't take it, the fact that Araki always through tantrums whenever his mother was not around, he threw things at the babysitters and called them obscene names that he had heard off the television. Eventually his mother told him that there would be no more nannies and that she would be rarely working to be with him. That didn't last long. After about a month his mother was becoming angry and would often scream at Araki for no apparent reason. Even though Araki was finally happy his mother went back to work leaving Araki with more nannies, which he quickly got rid of. This went on for a few years, but when Araki turned eight, after five years of having nannies told his mother that if she kept giving him more nannies then he would leave, even though he wouldn't get very far.


On Araki's eighth Christmas his father came home for the first time in a year and spoke with Araki's mother, who had requested a divorce three years before, leaving Araki part of a broken family. Two days after Christmas Araki left with his father, and was sent to a military academy about two hundred miles away from Kusanagi City. Araki excelled in military strategy, mechanics of mobile suits and other military issued machines and piloting. Araki had no friends at the military academy even though he was there for ten years, but was highly regarded by his teachers.


At Araki's graduation the only one who wasn't present was his father who had sent Araki there in the first place. The ones who were present were his grandparents (just shortly before they died) and his mother.  He was furious saying that he hated his father for putting him through all of this but then three days later got a letter saying that his father had been killed, a minor malfunction on his freighter had ended up blowing up the whole freighter killing every single crewmen. Araki grieved for a short while before joining the military, starting out as a mechanic but soon becoming a full fledged mobile suit pilot.

Edited by Guest
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Gears of War, huh? All lovable characters, I'd say.


Okay, first things first:


-You could make your appearance part a little more detailed. Use the picture to help you describe his clothing. What does he wear during military operations? What about when he's in civilian attire? Don't just put a picture there. Try giving a few more details.


-It should be up to you whether you wish to list the names of your characters' parents, though I advise you to do so so as to make it look more credible.


Issues regarding personal history:

-First of all, why is he a brilliant strategist without any apparent training or having good knowledge of that subject? You've neglected to mention that.


-ORB is renowned for housing both Coordinators and Naturals with a minimal amount of prejudice and conflict. Perhaps you can elaborate on the area Araki was living in, that the situation in that place only was slightly bleaker.


-Development of character starts from being a child. Why does he have an apathetic view towards things? Stating one simple reason would be enough.


-How did he specifically send those who beat him up to jail? Was there no military funeral he could attend for his father, or any compensation regarding the risks his father was in?


-The functions and structure of cars and ships are vastly different. How is it that this mystery man wanted him as a technician? Perhaps you can play on the fact that he's the son of a late high-ranking officer in the army that gave him some leeway into military service.


As far as I see it, I think your profile is definitely far from completed. No worries...I'm not here to chase you away, but to correct you as a good profile should be. If this is your first time doing a profile, I'd say you did a pretty decent job. Make the appropriate changes and keep it up. Ask if you don't know.



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Thank You very much for the insight, I've fixed it up to the specifications I believe if there is more that needs to be added pm me, or just post a reply telling me what I need to fix.

Edited by Guest
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The way you write sound quite colloquial. Many sentences have bad structure but I guess that's not what we should picked on, though if it were better, it would helped others to understand you more easily.


The only thing people would say that is good about him is his strategic expertise, he can think up incredible plans on the spot, plans that can sometimes completely win a large battle, and not fleeing the battle but rather completely wiping out the enemies.


If he' so brilliant, why is he still just a pilot? This needs to be toned down.

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Some things that need to be changed:


"through tantrums", "called them obseen names", "other military ishued machines".


Although we're not here to pick on spelling errors, when these come up too often, it makes the reader start to count the number of errors and anticipate further errors as they read. A good tip is to use a spell checker before you post.


There are also grammatical errors but I wouldn't go into picking on them. I'll leave it to you to improve language-wise as you RP along.


At Araki's graduation the only one who wasn't present was his father who had sent Araki there in the first place.


So who were the ones present?


Other than that, everything else looks fine.

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It is fine with everyone if you want to model the appearance of the character after a pic, but it advisable to put more effort into the appearance of the character in terms of words, in addition to hosting the image in a seperate image host (like Imageshack, which we do have here, or Photobucket).

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This isn't close to the standard we want but I believe you have the potential to become a good RPer. Please do take a look at the other player's RP and learn from them. I hope you'll develop your own style in time and mature as an RPer.


This profile has been approved. You may now apply for a faction.

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Alright, I will try my best to improve my rping level as I understand that it's low right at the moment and will try to meet your standards. Also I would like to apply for a position in the Orb Free Forces

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[align=center]Orb Union Bureau of Citizenry

Kusanagi City, United Emirates of Orb[/align]


This is to certify that Mr. Moyokoshi Araki is a native citizen of the United Emirates of Orb, and is to be accorded with the same rights as all other loyal citizens of the Orb Union.


Furthermore, this citizen is an enlisted soldier in the Federation of Royal Emirates Elite (FREE) Forces, holding the rank of Private, with duties and responsibilities thereof.


Signed and Noted by:

Admiral Kiel Flar




Here we go! Welcome to the ORB Free Forces!

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