Adrian Kevis (edited)

[talon 0]

Full name: Adrian kustava kevis

Nickname: adra

Age: 26

Gender: male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: student

Birthplace: aprillius 1

Citizenship: ORB

Personality: a mix of hot headed impulse and cool intelect, he usually catches himself before he does something too rash, usually.

 

Appearance

 

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 164 lbs

Hair Colour and Style: shoulder length, brown w/ blonde streaks

Eye Colour: green

Identifying Marks: scar on right shoulder leading across the chest

Skin Tone: tanned white

Build: athletic

Clothing: black jeans, green t-shirt, black jean jacket

Handiness: right-handed

 

Background

 

Mother: ashelia Miran (deceased)

Father: James kevis (deceased)

 

 

Personal History:  CE 73 while on a military mission to earth Adrian's parrents are killed in the fall of junius seven. Adrian utterly destroyed by the death of his parrents makes the decision to join zaft and fight for what he believes in,the destruction of those that stand in the way of peace ...from the age of fourteen Adrian studdies for his chance to join the military academy.though not being the best in his classes in school he soon began to excell in physical activities and finds he has an natural skill with machines. He enters into a school robotics course and within months he is lightyears ahead of his class and he realizes that he may actually have the ability to pilot. He begins to research everything he can find about mobile suits and makes it his goal to pilot one. In his research he befriends a mobile suit designer in the military Lt.Marcus Schneider and is taught the finer workings of mobile suit design. he proves to be a good student and was in the process of designing a simple construction mobile suit when the war was declared over this struck him down and in that moment he faulted and thought that all his work had been for naught. though he rejoiced for peace he recalled the hard work he a had gone through. He began to realize that he could still help keep the peace as a member of zaft and that only pushed him on harder to become a mobile suit pilot. a few years pass and he is beginning to feel that he is ready to enlist. Then the letter came that would throw his life into turmoil once again.

 

               Mr. Adrian kevis

We regret to inform you that Lt. Marcus Schneider has been killed in an unfortunate confrontation with the earth alliance. He left instructions to send this letter to you in case of his death i hope what he has sent you enclosed will be of some condolence.

         sincerely,

                 Capt. Kevin Marne

 

Enclosed in a sealed envelope was a set of keys and a password for a safe. The keys turned out to be to his apartment and when Adrian tracked down the safe

he opened it and found a large amount of mobile suit designs.he decided that these designs should be kept secret until he joined the military. He also decided that when he did enlist he would pass the designs to separate designers and hope that a few models might be able to help the military to preserve the peace. He soon applied for the military. His aplication was soon shot down and at that point he realised that the military wasn't everything.months pass and Adrian soom immigrates to the ORB Union apon arival he finds that this country supports the peace that he so desperately wishes to defend. He applies for citizenship in ORB  and apon acceptance he appies to the FREE Forces.

Edited January 3, 2007 by Guest

[Valiant 96]

I hope this is just a work in progress.

[talon 0]

I really need to know what I'm missing in this. I'm  not the best writer and this is hard work for me. I'm really devoted to joining this advent deatiny but i just don't know what to add. Can I at least get some suggestions, please.

        Talon

[liubei013 0]

It's obvious your writing skills aren't exactly up to par, but it also seems you're trying.

 

I guess I'll list some things down to help you out.

 

1. Something in general: Try to use proper capitalization.  (i.e. A person's full name should be capitalized, not just the first name.)

 

2. Occupation as a Student at the age of 26?  Your 'History' doesn't exactly explain this current situation.  (Unless your character's a grad student with a pending application to the FREE forces.)

 

3. I believe the FREE forces application process is on hold, but I have to check with Qrioser on that.

 

4. Your 'Personality' needs more work.  It seems to contradict itself by stating that your character is 'hot-headed' yet manages to hold himself back.  Generally someone who acts on impulse rarely can restrain themselves. 

 

5.  I may have missed this, but your History doesn't seem to describe how your character got the 'scar on right shoulder.'

 

6. I will not cover everything in your History because of spacing issues.  Try and divide that big clump of text into paragraphs.  (You generally want separate paragraphs with different topics and/or lines of thought.)

 

7. Supposedly your character's parents were killed in CE73 due to the 'Break the World' incident.  But you later noted after a few years passed, Schneider (who seems to be an important figure; Try and elaborate on this a little more) dies in a 'confrontation with the Earth Alliance.'  But there was no significant friction between the EA and ZAFT during this time period.  I suggest possibly altering your history to allow this 'figure's' death to occur late during the 2nd Valentine War.

 

That's all for now.  I probably missed a whole bunch of things but the above should be more than enough to help you improve your bio.  Best of luck.

Edited January 6, 2007 by Guest

[Kaizer 0]

Its easy to be 26 and still be a student, depending on what you take in college or university (trust me, I'm gonna end up being one of people like that).  Still I would like to know what kind of courses Adrian is taking.  You've already said that he studied robotics before, so is he continuing his studies in robotics, or is he learning something new that he thinks might help him in his work?

 

I would also like to see more work on your personality section.  Perhaps you could expand a bit on how your character acts from time to time, or on what makes him act this way?  For example, my character, Lune Zoldark, is easily influenced by flattery, namely because few people have ever called her 'cute'.  Perhaps Adrian has some kind of quirk like that?  Maybe the loss of his parents makes him act less mature then his age would suggest?  Its your character and your story, so make sure that you like the character before committing to him.