Rizu 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 (edited) General Full name: Rizu A Derako Nickname: Ri Age: 19 Gender: male Race: Natural Occupation: MS pilot Birthplace: Orb Citizenship: Orb Personality: Very dark and withdrawn. Rarely ever speaks unless it's necessary. Even when he says things there straight and to the point. Doesn't make jokes or laugh at them at all. Not exactly a friendly sort of guy, and he likes it that way. Has an extreme hate for coordinators, though is also envious of them. Appearance Height: 165 cm Weight: 162 lbs Hair Colour and Style: Black, Spiky Eye Colour: Dark Brown Identifying Marks: Dark Brown eyes. Skin Tone: Pale Build: Slightly athletic Clothing: Black T-shirt, blue jeans, and a long red Jacket. Handiness: Right Handed Background Mother: Mia Derako Father: Hyunu Derako Siblings: None Wife/Girlfriend: None Personal History: Rizu was born and raised in orb, with his mother and father, who both were good orb citizens, they owned a small car workshop. It didn't pay much but it got them through. Unfortunately, they didn't get to much income, so Rizu lived a poor life, just dealing with what he got. He got used to the fact that you don't always get what you want in life. As Rizu grew up, he was given a very decent education, though his parents would have gotten him better, if they had enough money. He didn't socialize much, or make friends. He always studied and got good grades though, because he didn't want to make his parent's hard earned money go to waste. But, because of his quietness and lack of socialism, he was usually bullied around, mostly by coordinators, because they knew there reflexes and strength was greater than his. Rizu didn't mind this, but slowly, began to detest coordinators, partially because of envy, wishing that he could have been born one. When Rizu got into High School, that's when his hate for coordinators grew the most.The time in high school was especially hard, because the schoolwork was much rougher. He had to struggle with it to get through, while he noticed that the few coordinators in the school passed it with flying colors. This made him even more jealous of coordinators, and eventually, that envy grew into pure hate for coordinators. After a year of working around at different jobs after he got out of school, earning money, and saving it for something, though he kept what it would be to himself, until a year later he had enough money for what he was planning. What surprised his parents the most though, was when he told them he was going off to join the military, but not the Orb military. He was going off to join The Earth Alliance. His parents instantly were shocked by this, and asked why on earth he would do such a thing. His answer was simple: He detested Coordinators. So, without waiting for his parent's response, he left, catching a plane off Orb using some of the money he saved and headed toward the nearest EA city. Edited December 30, 2006 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rad 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Please use the complete template provided in this board (here). Specifically, you are missing "Citizenship". You also misspelled 'Natural'. Also, your biography is nowhere near long enough: it tells us next-to-nothing about your character. If you would kindly take a look at all the approved characters (in the Character Library), you will see the amount of effort everyone has had to put into their characters in order to have them approved. I hope you will also give the same effort when you redo this profile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 (edited) Ok, added a more, like tripled it, hope that helps. If needed, will try and expand even more. yes, I know the background is kind of lame, but what can I say? I am having a writer's block right now . Also, I know, usually discrimination is highly objected to in orb but hey, EVERY school (That I know) has at leats one bully or another who thinks there better than you. Edited November 7, 2006 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rad 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 (edited) 'Citizenship' refers to what nation you are a legal citizen of. If he hasn't applied to become a citizen of any other country, his citizenship should still be "Orb". Also, if you think you're done, remove all your parenthesized commentary to clean your profile up. Though, I really don't see the correlation between 'getting bullied' and 'hating Coordinators'. It's not like only Coordinators are bullies. Try to expand on this concept, or find a better explanation for the origin of his racism. Edited November 7, 2006 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 Ok, I made it so he basically just envied the coordinators to a point he hated them. I know it's kind of demented but I have not ever been the best at writing bio's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Please elaborate on the personality. Also, try to minimise OOC chatter in the profile as it makes it look extremely... unprofessional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 Ok, now has NO ooc in it whatsoever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winders 0 Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Please use the appropriate template for your profile, it makes the board look cleaner http://www.adventdestiny.com/index.php/topic,17.0.html You have to scroll down for the coding! Rizu was born and raised in orb, with his mother and father, who both were good orb citizens, they owned a small car workshop. The sentence doesn't flow well; try rephrasing it so that it sounds nice, eg: "his mother and father were good citizens that owned a small workshop." mine isn't perfect either but it isn't as choppy as yours It didn't pay much but it got them through. Unfortunently, they didn't get to much income, Kinda of repeated yourself there, try merging the two sentences together so it sounds good. A couple of spelling mistakes in here, you should nit-pick through your profile in word to get rid of most of them. Your personality could use some expanding, try explaining how his carefree attitude affects his life; does it get him in trouble with authorities? How does he treat others? Especially coordinators or naturals; be specific Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted November 18, 2006 Author Share Posted November 18, 2006 Ok, A: Sorry for being gone so long, Comp broke down, AGAIN. I just got a new one. Anyhow, I fixed the things you pointed out winders, and I clicked the spell check on the post. It didn't bring anything up, but I might have missed something. Anyhow, please tell me how to fix if there are more problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rad 0 Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Please use the template. The link has been provided in previous posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 Ok, Template installed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rad 0 Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Onyx is not, to my knowledge, a natural eye color. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 oops, was thinking of something else when i wrote that, sorry. Changed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rad 0 Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Barring any further comments from others, all you have to do now is wait for Valiant or winders to move it to the Library. In the meantime, please read through your profile and correct any typing errors (ex. 'Allaince', 'ORb') Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 You should expand on the personality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 Aye aye Valiant. It's done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winders 0 Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Almost there, might want to put a little bit about his hatred for coordinators in his personality Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Share Posted December 24, 2006 Sorry for being absent so long. have been soooooooooooo busy with exams and school, and holdiays and such. Anyway, it is done, Winders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Your bio still needs a lot of work tell more about his school life and if he had any friends at all also should tell more why he was jealous of the coordinators ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted December 25, 2006 Author Share Posted December 25, 2006 Fixed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 How does a teenage boy plan to travel out of Orb to an Earth Alliance territory? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Fixed. i noticed that I had left a year in his history open (He graduated at 18 and left at 19) so added that he worked at jobs nearly all of the time, saving for like a plane trip off of Orb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 I believe you mean plane. Run a spell check on it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rizu 0 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Oops, yeah, that's what I meant. I just ran a spell-check, think i got everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valiant 96 Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Well this isn't exactly the kind of standard we aim for but I hope you will improve as you RP more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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