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XxBRICKSTERxX

Dylan Zaiku

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Player

Player name: XxBRICKSTERxX

Character number: Dylan Zaiku

Faction: Orb [Free forces]

 

General

 

 

 

 

Full name: Dylan Zaiku

Nickname: Zike

Age: 19

Gender: male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Pilot

Birthplace: December City

Citizenship: Orb

 

 

 

Personality: Dylan is a quite person.  It takes awhile for him to open up and be his true self, which is extremely hyper and a great person to hang out with.  Through the happy personality he holds a hatred for ZAFT and the tampering with genes and making coordinators.  Even though he is one he disagrees with tampering with god's work.  In the cockpit he does not hesitate to achieve his goal, and will kill for a successful mission.

 

 

 

 

Appearance

 

Height: 5' 7''

Weight: 143 .lbs

Hair Colour and Style: Brown short, but slightly longer in the front where it stands up.

 

 

 

Eye Colour: Red

Identifying Marks: Scar on left elbow running up to his shoulder

Skin Tone: Tan from being in the sun constantly.

Build: Short but very muscular

Clothing: Usualy wears baggy jeans, tight t-shirts.

 

 

 

Handiness: right handed

 

Background

 

Mother: Heidi Zaiku(Dead)

Father: James Zaiku (Dead)

Siblings: James Zaiku (ZAFT)

Wife/Girlfriend: neither

 

 

 

 

Personal History:

 

Dylan was born in December City.  He was the second son to parents, James and Heidi Zaiku.  James Zaiku was a business man.  He sold weapons and other goods to any buyers.  His business depended on war.  The more people went to battle the more they wanted his goods.  As for his mother, she was a kind hearted person.  She came from a rich family and ended up marrying James Zaiku Sr. most likely from a business agreement.  His only sibling James Zaiku Jr.  Took care of Dylan for most of his life.  He is currently a pilot for the ZAFT military. 

 

 

His childhood had ups and downs.  Coming from a rich family he started education early, and was tought many things.  From proper English, mathematics, advanced science, and many other subjects. The rough part of his childhood was him fighting his father.  He was always shunned by his father for being to weak and even as a yougnster extremely immature for his age.  The only thing he had for protection from his father was his mother.  But at a young age she died.  Dylan was to young to comprehend what had happened, she died of a heart attack.  He only remembers holding his brother's hand at the funeral and crying.  from that point on his new protection was his brother.  His father and his brother did not get along but they did not fight As he grew up, he remained his quite self and had several quarrels with his father. Finaly he could not take anymore and at the age of fifteen he told his father his true words.  Telling him that he was scum and had no heart his father became enraged and attacked him.  James ZAiku Jr. stepped in the way and broke the fight up.  But it just became a family brawl, ending with Dylan getting stabbed in the forearm. Getting to the hospital quickly his wounds were bandaged.  He realized a that moment he had to leave the PLANTs and get away from his father.  Breaking out of the hospital he made his way to the launch sites.  storing away on a fritter he made his way to earth and landed on the Onogoro Island. There he was picked up by ship security and was questioned.  He told them he wanted to see the earth, when they contacted his father there was no reply.  When news came back James Zaiku Sr. had passed away.  So instead of sending him back to PLANT he was sent to a ORB orphanage.  There he spent two years getting a little bit of education and learned what ORB really fought for.  He immediately fell in love with there virtues, and figured if his pig headed father could fly Mobile Suits then he could.  On his 18th birthday he enlisted in the ORB Free Forces.

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Hmm...where should I start...?


First off, format: You should have bold lettering only for the headers.  Also, reduce the MASSIVE amount of spacing you got in between each section. 


Second off, stated faction should be NOVA.  The citizenship will be your intended 'nation' of choice.  Also, character number indicates which character this would be.  (First, second, One, Two, etc.?)


Third, in general, your profile History is laden with fragmented and/or incomplete sentences.

His only sibling James Zaiku Jr.  Took care of Dylan for most of his life.

"His only sibling was James Zaiku Jr, who took care of Dylan for most of his (early?) life." That would be my suggested revision.  You have plenty of other sentences like that, so please go through your History and revise those.


Also, it should be 'quiet' instead of 'quite.'  You also have a few other minor spelling errors here and there. 


Now for some specifics:


Eye color red?  While I understand the whole 'Coordinator' modifying genes, I thought red eyes were primarily connected to the condition known as albinism.


Your history should have some paragraph breaks for different 'stages' of his life.  (i.e. Childhood, then mother's death and effects which could be emphasized, and then 'breaking point' where he and his father went head-to-head, etc.)  You could go into more detail about Dylan's relationships, including that of his brother, if it is significant enough.


I noticed two inconsistencies as well. 

First off, you finish off the history with:

...and figured if his pig headed father could fly Mobile Suits then he could.

However, I did not notice anything in the History that suggests that Dylan's father was a pilot.  (Only thing I got out of it was that his dad was essentially a 'merchant of death' in a way.)


Second off, his History contrasts with your stated Personality where:

...he holds a hatred for ZAFT and the tampering with genes and making coordinators.  Even though he is one he disagrees with tampering with god's work.

The above had nothing to do with his History especially when it was stated that he:

...learned what ORB really fought for.  He immediately fell in love with there virtues...

 

And those virtues/ideals has nothing to do with any sort of disgust at gene 'tampering.'

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