Re: (NPC)Karl Rhine: Still Waiting For Approval

[Sven Cal Bayan 0]

Player

 

Player name:Karl Rhine

Character number: 1

Faction: PLANTS

 

General

 

Full name: Karl Irwin Rhine

Nickname: Red

Age: 29

Gender: Male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Pilot

Birthplace: Berlin, Germany, Eurasia Federation

Citizenship: PLANTS

Personality: Karl is best described as arrogant, sarcastic and rude. He is often seen getting flak from his commanding officers about his attitude and conduct. He has very few good qualities about him and a bad temper. Karl prefers to keep to himself and is quite often found listening to music. He is, however, very proud about being a coordinator, and hates people who speak badly of them. Karl is also very patriotic and does everything he can to ensure that the PLANTs are safe.

Appearance

 

Height: 6'0"

Weight: 173 lbs.

Hair Colour and Style: Long and messy red hair.

Eye Colour: Blue

Identifying Marks: A large scar that starts above the left eye, then crosses the bridge of his nose, then crosses right over the right eye and ends on the upper right cheek.

Skin Tone: Well tanned with many small scars from past fights and goofing off.

Build: Muscular build, but not ripped.

Clothing: He wares a tighter T-shirt, but that is usually covered by a short, plain, wool lined, faded brown, leather jacket with a pair of navy blue cargo pants and hiking shoes. He also caries a 9mm handgun in a holster just in front of his left arm.

Handiness: Right handed

 

Background

 

Mother: Unknown ( Believed to be dead)

Father: Unknown ( Believed to be dead)

Siblings: None

Wife/Girlfriend: None

 

Personal History: Karl Rhine was born on December 12, C.E. 56 in a Berlin hospital. It is not known who is parents are as they abandon him shortly after birth. For five years of his life, he would be stuck out on the streets of Berlin trying to scrape together enough food to live on. Three weeks before his sixth birthday, he was brought into a Berlin orphanage after he stole several loaves of bread from a local bakery. When the police asked were his parents were, he told them he had none. He lived at this particular one form about six months, then was transfered to another one due to intolerable behavior. He would continue to move from place to place until he was ten.

 

When Karl was age ten, he started to work around the house that he was staying in at the time in order to save up some money and get a ticket to the PLANTS.By the time he was thirteen, he had saved enough up. Due to rising tensions between the Earth Forces and ZAFT, it became ever harder to find work for him or keep the jobs that he had, if they discover he was a coordinator. Three days before the shuttle, he was going to have get on to get to the PLANTS, left, Karl got into a bad fight with some of the older guys that lived with him. Out of the three that started, one was beaten unconscious and the other two had several broken fingers, a broken nose and black eyes. After this incident, he quickly gathered his things and left before anyone could stop him. Karl got on the shuttle and never looked back.

 

Upon reaching the PLANTS, Karl immediately signed up for ZAFT. He made it through the academy with marks that made him top of his class. He was quickly, after graduation, placed into the front lines. He would serve with ZAFT for the rest of this war and the entire next war. He was wounded several times, the worst of which was the one that gave him the scar across his face. After the second war, he moved back to Berlin, which was still a smoking ruin after the Earth Forces attacked it. He helped out as much as he could and after the city had been rebuilt, he opened a small landscaping business there. In C.E. 77, he closed down his landscaping business and moved once again, this time to Moscow, Russia. Needing a job, he applied for a job as a cop, and with his good record, was accepted right away. Karl would remain in the city for several years.

 

After he was discharged from the force due the fact that he caused a rather large shootout, which killed several civilians, he took all the money he had and  moved once again. This time it was back to the PLANTS. Karl still needed a job , but his outstanding military service record would help. He manged to land a job as guard and was stationed outside of the supreme council building. But Karl still wanted a little more, so he applied for a pilots position, and yet again, his record came through and he was accepted.

Edited August 27, 2007 by Guest

[kct 0]

If there is anything, you definitely need to fix the formatting for the profile, it's not everything in bold. Other than that, grammar definitely needs attention, I can see that tenses (past and present) are mixed and maybe some other errors.

[fireminerva 0]

First off kct is right, you need to follow the profile template so only the appropriate sections should be in bold font.  Second, you do have a decent amount of grammatical errors; not to worry, a few seconds of using MS word will clear that up.

 

In your character's history you also mention a great deal of canon events that your character participated in.  While I have no problem with your character being in certain battles I have to ask you to remove mention of the Forbidden Vortex MS and also the battle with Impulse Gundam.  As far as I know interaction with canon characters is pretty much taboo since we're seeking to create our own branch of the CE time line.  I would also say that giving your character a government position, such as Adviser to the Supreme Council is a little much, if you're interested in such a position the other ZAFT leaders and I will consider it after your character profile has been approved.

 

The final, and quite frankly most important, problem that I see with your character profile is that your character is a coordinator who served with the Earth Forces.  What's more your character supposedly interacted with the Blue Cosmos, a group who doesn't even think twice before killing Coordinators.  Either your character's profile must be modified so that he's not a coordinator or your history will need to be rewritten; I'm sorry because I know that I probably just made it seem like I blew up all of your hard work in front of your face but honestly this is an exception I can't let slide.  Personally I see no reason as to why PLANT cannot have naturals among its citizens, after all Andrew Bartfeld does suggest that Murrue Ramius would be welcome there in GSD.

[kct 0]

PLANT can have Naturals among their citizens, although their movements will be a little restricted compared to full-fledged Coordinators (the Junk Guild have restrictions placed on them when working at PLANT, given that they do have Naturals with them).

[Sven Cal Bayan 0]

There, I made a major overhaul on the bio. Is it any better?

[Wing Zero 0]

Its a nice profile, needs abit more improvements.

For occupation I don't think you can place yourself as a commander unless you get promoted by the faction leader. So the personality will need to be slightly changed.

 

Paragraph one: Its a spelling, "scrap" instead of "scape"

Maybe describe how Karl preformed in the war, did he find it difficult and did he change as a person.

[Sven Cal Bayan 0]

There, made the fixes and changed the personality a bit. Any better?

[Ishian 0]

Just a little detail, your not allowed to have silver as your eyecolor, i guess you could have lenses that are silver colored tough.

 

GL HF!

[Sven Cal Bayan 0]

There, eyes fixed. Better?

[fireminerva 0]

Please change the "put in charge of his own team" clause that you've added to the end of your profile; aside from that one point I don't really see anything wrong with your character profile.

[Sven Cal Bayan 0]

Better now?

[fireminerva 0]

I'd be happy to approve this profile.

[Sven Cal Bayan 0]

Sweet. Thanks.