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Jason "Jase" Lawliet


Jase
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Player

Player name: Jase

Character number: 1

Faction: Serpent Tail

 

General

 

Full name: Jason Lawliet

Nickname: Jase

Age: 27

Gender: Male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Ex-Detective

Birthplace: City of Kusanagi

Citizenship: Orb Union

Personality: Jase is a calm, intelligent and caring person who has many strange quirks such as  preferring to crouch rather than sit, and holding items very delicately. His anger is hidden very well as an adult.When ever you see him he will always have candy in his mouth from lollipops to jawbreakers he is a total candy nut.

 

Appearance

 

Height: 6'0

Weight: 115 (lbs)

Hair Colour and Style: Jase is a boy who like most people was born with black hair and he was proud of it he went through alot of styles of such as mohawks and actually an afro at one point. Jase just styles his hair messy pointed down spikes.

Eye Colour: Black.

Identifying Marks: Tattoo of a cross on his back large size it  actually separates his back into four parts.

Skin Tone: Tanned.

Build: Smaller build not, very muscular.

Clothing: For causal attire Jase wears black leather jacket, white shirt underneath the coat and blue jeans. For more serious event he is seen yet rarely wear a tuxedo but usually just gets dress pants and a fancy shirt for most events.

Handiness: Left-handed

 

Background

 

Mother: Kitka Lawliet(At there home.)

Father: Jukio Lawliet(Retired from Orb  military due to injury.)

Siblings: Kuruto Lawliet(37 retired from Orb Military to settle down and have a family.)

Wife/Girlfriend: None.

 

Personal History: Born to Jukio and Kitka Lawliet on August 19,CE 58 to a family of three. His mother was against the idea of Jase's father serving on Orb's naval ship Iwasaku, as a test pilot of a M1 Astray. His father was testing it so he got stuck picking out the bugs, since he was also the mechanic who worked on them so what happened next was mostly his fault. On the first test with the rotor shrike he crash it when the left blade stopped turning, which caused him to crash into the sea and he suffered smoke inhalation and back problems. He was still there, but to supervise but was only as a retired mechanic which usually help with the programing.

 

Jase's childhood was one where his dad taught him how to be a mechanic, all how to repair things so Jase learned a lot about the M1 Astray and ways to fix it .When he was not learning how to fix Mobile suits he was slacking off at school and being scolded by his teacher in school. Jase had a selected group of friends which he had formed since his first year of school. Jase went through school with a few minor altercations also even though he preferred to be slacking off in class he was quite the genius. But one day something happened that nothing could prepare him for sadly one of his friends was killed by one of his classmates. Jase was so infuriated by his friend's death that he confronted the boy who had killed his friend named Benjif. Jase tried as hard as he could to kill Benjif he could not, Jase was to weak and had his arm broken in the fight, Benjif told Jase that he was sorry he killed Jase's friend and that it was an accident. Later Jase's father took him to the hospital Jase told his father what had happened and his father told him that he was going to enroll him in Karate as soon as his arm was healed. Jase spent a lot of time depressed at the fact he would never see his friend again and he would never be able talk to him about girls, sports and their futures.

 

Jase went through high school with exemplary marks and without any altercations after his grade school fight. His group of friend's even though, one short was all with him they also were very smart except for one which Jase tutored him. At sixteen Jase joined the Orb Military, as mechanic and was quite good at it seeing as he had been involved with these systems since he was young. It was actually his father who told him it would be better for Jase, if he left Nova Military and went to do what he had wanted to do all along. So with his father's encouragement Jase started working at a local police station while also going to police college. Jase Became a police officer at the age of twenty-one but he did not want to just be a normal police officer so he sent in his resume to  the detective department at the station. Jase got bad news he had to be wait three years after become a police officer to become a detective .So three years later and after nearly get shot and got ran over he once again sent in a letter for him to be a detective and this time he got accepted.

 

Being a detective was great and all but Jase knew his life need more then what the detective job had to offer. Which was more paperwork then action which he was interested in. Jase thought long and hard about another job he could possible consider doing Jase thought but his only two passions in life was being a detective or a mechanic again like he had been in the military and this time he would not tell his dad and mom so they would not worry he told his brother but swore him to secrecy. With the money he accumulated he bought an one way ticket to the Shesha Colony where he knew was the Serpent Tail Hq where he wished to visit to see if he could get a job there.

Edited by Guest
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You're missing the top 'Player' section.

Add units for Weight in the Appearance section.

And why do you have Appearance and the Description right below it?

 

And I suggest looking at this thread: http://www.adventdestiny.com/index.php/topic,1458.0.html

 

Your History is plagued with spelling and grammar errors...far too many for me to point out each one.  (e.g. college instead of collage, use a dictionary to see the difference; their instead of there, possessives such as friend's instead of friends, etc.)  Run the History through a word processor (such as MS Word) and it's bound to light up like a Christmas tree or get someone to proofread it.

 

Content-wise, you really did not emphasize the character's love for detective novels until the last third of the History.  It seems like it was just something you slapped on to fit the Occupation.  In another words, this could be expanded on. 

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Technically 'Jase' is a nickname, or it wouldn't need to be abbreviated, so he does have a nickname (nicknames do not necessarily have to be callsigns or the other titles).  As well, I do not trust online grammar checkers as far as I could throw them; but then again, I don't trust many grammar checkers at all.  Grammar is hard to correct by machine, as there are many rules to be memorized, and loopholes to those rules (nor am I saying that I'm a grammar expert in any way ).  A few simple rules should be enough to get you started.

 

An and A both have the same meaning, it is simply a matter of having the words roll off the tongue better that gives them special rulings.  Use 'A' whenever the word following it starts with a consonant. and 'An' if the word following starts with a vowel (An owl flew towards a barn in the distance, is an example of a sentence that uses both an and a properly).  And don't forget to use commas reasonably; too many makes a sentence hard to read, and too few forces a person to read the entire sentence at once.  Just remember, use a comma whenever you want a pause in your sentence.  For example, lets look at a simple sentence and see what a comma can do.  (please excuse me while I don my teacher's hat, I've had the urge to teach lately )

 

'Well if you think its a good idea, then I'll try it.'

-As is, this sentence would give the impression that the person saying it is fairly hasty with his/her words, as he/she says the first half of the sentence in one block per say, not giving the listener/reader time to digest the words and understand their full impact.

 

'Well, if you think its a good idea, then I'll try it.'

-By adding a comma at the beginning, you get the impression that the person isn't as anxious to reply.  He speaks, takes a brief moment to pause, as if giving himself a moment to change his mind, then follows through with the response.  The second comma is only to stop the entire sentence from flowing together (as its hard to say 'well if you think its a good idea then I'll try it.' without wanting to take a breath), so you can see that commas are tricky in that they are necessary to make sentences easy to say, but can also change the emotion and tone of the sentence, much like a question mark or exclamation point gives a different feel to a sentence than a period would.

 

Well, thats the lesson for today, hope it helps

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Ok Jase, this is a favour...

 

1) For correct formating (and for the sake of the reader) please place spaces behind each field (eg, you've got "Gender:Male" make it into "Gender: Male".

2) Please, use the template provided Here that way, you can have the neat section titles looking like...

This!!! (Isn't this cool? Don't you want yours like this?!?!)

3) You also have a few places where you have extra spaces for no apparent reason ??? eg "such as  preferring"

4) "saparates" >< mate, its "separate"

5) Please, in "Smaller build not very", put a comma in "build, not"

6) This statement doesn't make sense "Orb's King of the sea Kuraomikami class named Iwasaku"

7) "altercations", its "alterations"

8.) "Jase tried as hard as he could...Jase's friend and that it was accidental." please, fix the grammar in this (as Kaizer said)

9) "explementary" its "exemplary"

10) "quite good at it.It" elaborate, good at what exactly? and also, put a space after your full stop

11) O.o Jase was good in Orb Military [aka NOVA], but then you just switch over and say he was in Police college. Describe, why did he leave the military?

12) "after nearly get shot and got ran over" All your base are belong to us. nvm I'm just kidding. Anyway, fix this, its very confusing

13) "need more the detective" I hope you mean "needed more. The detective..."

14) Almost done. "Jase thought long and hard about something he should Jase" elaborate, and please use correct grammar and punctuation, please

 

*sigh* Ok that should be it. Jase, if you don't fix this yourself, no-one will for you. I don't mean to give you an e-lecture (cool! electronic lecturing!) but seriously, you might dislike writing this stuff. But trust me, RPing will involve A LOT more detail, and requires correct grammar, punctuation and spelling, because if people misunderstand you, then you might be beaten the crap out of in rping (metaphorically speaking). Please understand that these rules are proper "manners" in an RP forum ,so your best bet is to lift your game. Read more, learn to touch-type and expand your vocabulary.

 

@LB, Kaizer : Jeez, it'd be embarrassing if I made some error lecturing him, wouldn't it?

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@Kaizer: Yeah, I know those checkers aren't that great, but it'd be a lot better than nothing.

 

@Asahi: That would be...amusing to say the least.  But you made many of the points I noticed throughout the entire profile.  I was just too frustrated/irritated to go and bother point all of them out.

 

@Jase: Asahi and Kaizer raised very valid points.

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Thank you all I've fixed most of Asahi except for number 7 I ment altercations if you have anything else to add I'd love to hear it all of what you are doing goes to making me better at these things and for you guys taking your time I thank you.

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1.) Run-on sentences. You have a ton of them. The prime example is the first sentence of the Hair description. The thing just rambles on. It should be two sentences, not one, and there should be commas in those as well. Commas are your friend.

 

2.) Build. You have the comma in the wrong place. It should be before the "not", not after.

 

3.) Clothing: When you talk about his formal attire, you completely lose me. Do you mean he's rarely seen in a tuxedo? Or is it rare, but its been known to happen?

 

4.) Military service: It seems he had a very short career there. You might want to expand on it some. From the sound of it, Jase enjoyed the work. What prompted him to switch professions? Yes, he'd wanted it since his youth, but why would he switch when he had the other job he felt passionate about? Higher pay? Felt like he wanted to do more?

 

5.) Mercenary: Why become a mercenary? What allure did it have for him? If he wanted to be a mechanic again, he could have gone back to the military. If he wanted to do detective work, he could have either joined Orb's Intelligence service or become a private eye. There seems to be no motivation for this choice. In addition, do you intend to try and join as a pilot or mechanic? If you want to be a pilot, you need to have some sort of training for it. Right now, Jase has nothing of the sort that I can see.

 

6.) Friends' death: This is just the biggest example of this phenomenon, but there are a few things you include that seem to have nothing to do with where your character ends up in life. The death of his friend and his fight with Benjif, there being one kid that Jase tutored in his group of friends. My advice is to tie these things in somehow or get rid of them. Maybe the death of his friend caused him to want to be a detective, as maybe Benjif got away with a slap on the wrist or something (pretty obvious he doesn't end up in jail), so he wants to prevent stuff like that. Just as an example, but there should be some sort of tie-in if you're going to bother putting it in the profile.

 

@Asahi's #7: Jase is right in this case. Altercations is the correct word for that situation.

 

Those are the major points I can see ATM. Any other comments, people?

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