Jin Lee

[jameschazz 0]

  Player 

 

Player Name: jay 

Character Number:1

Faction: PLANT

 

 

General

Full name: Kin Lee

Nickname: Lee

Age: 16

Gender: male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Academy student

Birthplace: Junius City

Citizenship: PLANT

 

Personality: He is a very polite young man but he will fight in what he believes in no matter how it happens. He believes if war is needed than we should support. in  He hold a deep vengeance  for the Naturals because how his family is dead. To come him self down  he thinks of his parents.

 

Appearance

Height: 177

Weight: 144

Hair Color and Style:  light brown is his natural hair color his style is bangs that cover his eyes

Eye Colour: hazel

Identifying Marks: he has a earing

Skin Tone: dark tan

Build: Average

Clothing: he weirs blue jeans and white shirt

Handiness: left

 

Background

Mother: gin Lee (Deceased)

Father: shin Lee (Deceased)

Siblings: none

Wife/Girlfriend: no but looking

 

Personal History: His parents died in the second'Bloody Valentine war. Terrorist started blowing up the city killing his parents. He was forced to live with his aunt and uncle when he was one.

 

 

When he was six he was told that his aunts and uncle were not his parents and that his parents were killed in the war. He took it deep and promised him self that he would never kill any body. His aunt and uncle tried to teach leadership skills so if he was ever in the military he would make a fine solder. 

 

He was tricked into believing that war was great and it can change a person in a good way but he was not told war can change a person in a bad way.

 

When he was fifteen he was sent off to the Academy, at the Academy he was hearing that the only reason his classmates came the Academy was to stop the war and plant the seed of peace in the universe. He did not know how to take it he thought that war  made a person grow stronger and smarter. Over the years he learned  that war  a bad thing. The Academy took the students on field trips to see how bad war was and that made Kin change his opinion on the war. He is now trying to pass his test. The Academy's main goal was to erase all fear in the students.     

 

 

     

Edited July 15, 2007 by Guest

[evo_Sieg 0]

Uhm, so I guess this is a work in progress?

 

If you need help, please refer to some of the profiles posted in the Character Library.

[liubei013 0]

In another words, this profile is WAY too short.  Also, I suggest using proper capitalization et al.

[jameschazz 0]

Personal History: When Jin was young he was taken from his parents because of war.He was taken to his aunts house in Junius City were he wold grow up. A month later his parents had died.

 

 

 

When he was six he was told that his aunts and uncle were not his parents and that his parents were killed in the war. He took it deep and promised him self that he would never kill any body.

 

As the years went by his mind set that he would never would kill change when seeing a battle from the war.He was trick into believing that war was great and it can change a person in a good way but he was not told war can change a person in a bad way.He would sneak into voting polls and switch the votes that went ageist the war and made them with the war.

 

When he was thirteen he was sent off to the Academy, at the Academy he was hearing that the only reason his classmates came the Academy was to stop the war and plant the seed of peace in the universe. He did not know how to take it he thought that war  made a person grow stronger and smarter. Over the years he learned  that war  a bad thing. The Academy took the students on field trips to see how bad war was and that made Jin change his opinion on the war. He is now trying to pass his test.     

Edited June 27, 2007 by Guest

[liubei013 0]

You can click on the 'Modify' button in your original post to insert your History into your Profile.

 

I'll take a closer look at your History later.

[Jase 0]

Um am not one to criticize since my first one was terrible and still is but you might want to fix the spelling errors.

Such as:He was taken to his aunts house in Junius City were he wold grow up

 

Am not sure if you meant could instead of wold.

 

Also to make your history longer explain why his parents were taken away was it they were suspected terrorist or something of that sort.

 

Also words like himself and anybody are compound words meaning there supposed to be stuck together.

 

Also in your sentence "He was trick into believing that war was great and it can change a person in a good way but he was not told war can change a person in a bad way."

 

Trick should be tricked seeing as its past tense.

 

You should also expand what type of people was his aunt and uncle.And what type academy was this, how was he treated there and did he have friends.

 

Also I suggest you reread it slowly seeing if you can find other errors.

[liubei013 0]

@Jase: You're improving in the spelling department as well, so keep at it.

(And thanks for pointing out those errors.)

 

@topic:  As Jase mentioned, you have a lot of glaringly obvious spelling and grammar errors (mostly tenses).  Use the Spell Check feature that's near the Post/Save and Preview buttons at the bottom of your post when you go to Modify.  Also, try reading your profile out loud.  Some errors can be caught if you 'hear' them.

 

Use the correct format for the profile.  (See http://www.adventdestiny.com/character-profiles/character-creation-template-t17.0.html)  The headers such as Name: should be in bold.

e.g.

Full name: Jin Lee

 

The Personality can be expanded upon.  For instance, why does he fight?  What does he believe in?  How can he remain polite while still having thoughts of vengeance?

 

Appearance:  Your numbers for height and weight lack the necessary measurement labels.  (e.g. cm?  lbs?  kg?)  Also, Ivory isn't a realistic hair color.  (The closest condition that would result in whitish hair would be albinism)

 

Background: All proper names should be capitalized.  (e.g. John Doe instead of john doe)

 

History: You can remove the first sentence, since that was used to inform you what the History is supposed to be about. 

 

About how young was he forced to stay with his aunt and uncle?  (It would have to be really young if he eventually thought of them as his parents.)  How were his parents killed in the war?  Which war?

 

'As the years went by...'  By that time, both wars would have been already over.  This kills off nearly the entire paragraph.  I also do not understand the part about the polls, considering none of the nations, including PLANT, were in a potential state of war. 

 

As for the third paragraph, what type of Academy?  If it's a military academy, then his age of 13 would be FAR TOO young to join such an institution.  Field trips?  To what?

 

To be blunt, this profile still needs a lot of work in its content and its mechanics (spelling/grammar).

[Valiant 96]

Please edit the original post instead.

[fireminerva 0]

Hey James, have you updated your character since Valiant asked you to a few weeks ago, if so I'll give it a look and see if it's ready for approval.

[jameschazz 0]

Yes I have

[fireminerva 0]

Okay, I'm going to get started.

 

First off you need to correct the information under the "Player" section.  Your player name is your user name, please adjust this.

 

Your "General" section looks good, although the "m" in "male" needs to be capitalized.  Also the "Personality" section should be looked over.  There are several sentence and grammatical errors which you could clean up very quickly.  Words such as "dead" should be replaced with "died" and "come" with "calm".  I'd also be interested to know a little more about Kin beyond his feelings towards war.

 

Under the "Background" section Kin's parent's names should be capitalized and instead of writing "no but looking" under the "Wife/Girlfriend" section please write "none".

 

The "History" section of your profile is going to need some work.  There are a great deal of spelling and grammar errors which need some attention, again with a little bit of time and effort this can be easily fixed.  At one point you contradict yourself in Kin's history saying that the Academy tried to make the students see how bad war is and then later saying that the Academy tried to erase all fear in its students.  Personally I think that the Academy would teach about the horrors of war in order to foster a sense of responsibility and duty to country.

 

Aside from that I'd like it if you would expand on your current history.  Why did Kin choose to go to the Academy?  What other significant events have happened in Kin's life?  Could you tell me more about what it was like for Kin to grow up with his Aunt and Uncle?  What type of leadership skills did they try to teach Kin?

 

I know that it looks like a lot of work but it really isn't and, once again, I'm sure that with a little effort you can turn this into a great profile.