Stealthheart 0 Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 (edited) General Full name: Risa Maaka Tahama Nickname: The Red Sword Age: 18 Gender: Female Race: Second-Generation Coordinator Occupation: MS Pilot Birthplace: November City Citizenship: December City Personality: Usually calm and reserved and acting as voice of reason but, but can be aggressive when on the battlefield or when aggravated. Extremely loyal to her friends and and is willing to protect them at all costs. Appearance Height: 1.60m Weight: 50kg Hair Colour and Style: Black hair that is usually tied up into a ponytail. When let down it goes past her shoulders. Eye Colour: Deep Blue Identifying Marks: Scar across arm because when she was cut with a knife during an attack. Skin Tone: Fair Build: Slight muscle and strong arms Clothing: Wears White pants with a Red Shirt and a Black jacket over top with red collar and trimmings(the jacket reaches past her waist but above the knees) Handiness: Right-Handed Personal History Her parents were both ZAFT soldiers, her father, a talented mobile suit pilot and her mother, a master communication officer. Both of her parents were veterans of the first Bloody Valentine War, and they were always sent straight to the front lines. As her parents were rarely home, she was always left in the care of her caretaker, Saikou, and she rarely saw them except on holidays and their time off. During the War she resided in the PLANTS on November City and had to witness the destruction of part of December and January City. In those cities many of her friends died, which started a flame of growth and strong ambition. During one of the times when her whole family was together, and they were on a vacation on Aprillius City, a set of terrorists attracted her family. Her parents attempted to fight off the many attackers but, failed to do so and they both got killed by sniper wounds. As she was taught some form of martial arts she was able to fend off the attackers that attacked her at the time. But, when she saw the fall of her parents she let her guard down and rushed over to help them, only to meet one of the terrorists with a knife, who slashed her arm so deep the it scratched the bone and forever scarring her. At that moment, a set of ZAFT army solders came upon the area and took out the remaining terrorists, only to find her parents dead and she barely alive because of loss of blood. The ZAFT soldiers brought her to the nearest hospital gave her caretaker Saikou, legal guardianship of her until she was 18. She had multiple wounds including the one to her arms and a gun shot that deeply grazed her other shoulder and one that grazed her leg. Then, until she was 18, she focused on recovery in order to become a solider, to eventually avenge the death's of her parents and her friends that died in the war. Edited June 15, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janus 5 Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 wow a fighting nurse haha It's good so far to me. But, I'm still just a newbie here so you might want to take our elders critiques more so than mine. Eitherway I'll just note the obvious problems: 1. History is much too short 2. Spelling mistake here- "and is know hoping to become a doctor." Last notes- I'm pretty sure but cannot be positive about these: 3. If I remember right it's CE 85 or so now so the last war would be 12-13 years ago. Why become a soldier now? 4. Despite the other stuff, you mentioned that she's a qualified nurse who has diverged onto the path of becoming a soldier. But then later on you also say that she 'is know hoping to become a doctor'. Which is it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3rdeyeblind 0 Posted June 14, 2007 Share Posted June 14, 2007 I can already picture you just by reading.Not bad.I bet your cute Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stealthheart 0 Posted June 14, 2007 Author Share Posted June 14, 2007 sorry for the mistakes and thx's for the comments... not to good with that type of stuff... oh well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 Not a bad start, but this still requires some work. Given how you haven't gone to revise your profile after past comments yet, I'll withhold any additional comments made except for one issue. Please look at the approved Profiles in the Character Library for examples, especially on the formatting for paragraphs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stealthheart 0 Posted June 15, 2007 Author Share Posted June 15, 2007 (edited) wow a fighting nurse haha It's good so far to me. But, I'm still just a newbie here so you might want to take our elders critiques more so than mine. Eitherway I'll just note the obvious problems: 1. History is much too short 2. Spelling mistake here- "and is know hoping to become a doctor." Last notes- I'm pretty sure but cannot be positive about these: 3. If I remember right it's CE 85 or so now so the last war would be 12-13 years ago. Why become a soldier now? 4. Despite the other stuff, you mentioned that she's a qualified nurse who has diverged onto the path of becoming a soldier. But then later on you also say that she 'is know hoping to become a doctor'. Which is it? For one thing if your 5 or 6 years old would that be do young to join the army or even think about it??? Anyways, she decided to become a soldier now because she felt the time was right and that she was strong enough. Edited June 15, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 Stealth: You could elaborate on that point in your profile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stealthheart 0 Posted June 15, 2007 Author Share Posted June 15, 2007 I kinda changed my profile. I didn't think the thing with the nurse fit too much so i decided ot change it inot something more understandable. At first , I must say it was quite comfusing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liubei013 0 Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 A bit better this time, but... 1. A minor typo: "a talented mobile suit pilot and her mother, a master communication officer." The word 'communication' should be 'communications.' 2. Second paragraph: It was during the second war in which several PLANTs in the Janarius and December series were destroyed, not the first war. (You did not specify which war) 3. Third Paragraph: A terrorist attack MAY be feasible (e.g. Blue Cosmos or pro-Zala remnants etc.) but probably not after the second war and on the capital of the PLANTs, Aprilius City. (It's possible there may be some sporadic incidents after the second war though, so this one's kinda up in the air. I'll need second opinions on this.) Also, I don't think terrorists 'attract' their targets. (spelling/word choice error at the end of the first sentence, third paragraph) 4. Fourth/Fifth Paragraph: How did Risa react to her parents' death? Is the only reason she joined the military was for vengeance? These points could be elaborated on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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