Re: Akira Knightly

[Knightroad 0]

General

 

Full name: Akira Knightly

Nickname: none

Age: 22

Gender: Male

Race: Coordinator

Occupation: Pilot, and cook

Birthplace: P.L.A.N.Ts

Citizenship: P.L.A.N.Ts

Personality: Kind hearted and cunning. He uses his smarts to strategicly plan his moves. He is usually kind and generous unless you mess with him for his friends. When enraged or angry, he becomes a cold heartless killer, who will stop at nothing to protect those close to him.

 

Appearance

 

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 135 lbs

Hair Colour and Style: Jet Black hair.  Long all around with it parted to the side and covering his left eye.

Eye Colour: Hazel

Identifying Marks: Akira has a scar going down his left forearm from where he broke his arm as a kid.

Skin Tone: Tan

Build: Athletic and tall. Doesn't have too much muscle but enough.

Clothing: Akira wears Kaki pants and a greenish teal tank top when he is not in uniform. Also he wears a red and white jacket and a red shirt sumtimes also.

Handiness: Right Handed

 

Background

 

Mother: Faith Treble

Father: Joshua Knightly

Siblings: Sara Tresis, Tristan Tresis (Born to Joshua's first wife Ileana Tresis)

Wife/Girlfriend: none

 

Personal History: Akira was born on the Plants to a Natural and a Coordinator. His father was a pilot in the ZAFT military forces, while his mother as a representative for EAF assigned to Plants to try and keep the peace between EA and Plants.

  He was told about his father's death at the age of 20, his father, 50, had died of a heart attack. He attended the funeral, and then went off to join the academy, however half way through the year his mother grew sick, and Akira returned home to care for her. She survived two more years before dying.

  After this funeral, Akira enrolled in the Pilot Academy to follow in his father's footsteps. He made a promise to his father, on the day he died that forever changed the way the looked at things. "I will give 100% at everything i do father, be it piloting, cooking, or caring for someone, I will never give up". After his mothers death, that promise was all that kept him going.

    Akira went to the academy where he met his stepsister Sara. He didn't know at first, and she didn't tell him anything until a year after they had enrolled.

  Finding out that he had siblings gave him a new spark in his life. When he realized that he wasn't alone and out of family, he had a renewed vigor when doing his academy work. Finding Sara also helped rekindle his passion for cooking.

  He enjoyed his new life with family again, until he soon realized that Tristan wasn't here. When he asked Sara, she told him about his hatred for their father and ZAFT, and about how being three years older, had already become a pilot for OMNI. Since they all were Coordinators by birth, it was easy for them to pilot, thus allowing Tristan a greater advantage over other OMNI pilots. Most pilots for ZAFT were Coordinators, so there wasn't much difference for Sara and Akira.

    Akira and Sara grew very close, since they were all each other had. Akira lost everything when his parents died and he left for the Academy, and Sara lost everything when she left Earth and moved to the Plants. Akira never had any friends, the toll of his mothers death making him a social outcast. Thus he conversed with Sara on a daily basis about everything.

    Since he started his training at the Academy, several of his Superior officers noticed a something unique about his piloting. Most of the students when in the Sim room, would charge at there opponents guns blazing until they got close when they drew their beam swords. However Akira was different. Instead of charging in, Akira would stay back a minute. Within that minute he managed to formulate a plan. In one scenario in particular, the trainees were faced with a difficult fight. They were given a single mobile suit against ten moblie suits. Most of the students who rushed in were able to kill two or three moblie suits before being killed themselves. Akira and a few others managed to come up with a plan. Akira used the enemies numbers against them, maneuvering in a way, as to where a enemy would get between him and the person shooting, causing them to shoot their teammate, thus reducing the numbers, and giving Akira a chance to attack.

      In another scenario, they made it two against two. Akira was paired up with Sara. When in the simulation Sara had her mobile suits arm shot off, taking away her gun. Akira managed to fight both of the mobile suits at the same time, giving Sara all the time she needed to get out her beam saber thus killing both of the MS.

    Also when put in a team Akira managed to lead the four man team to victory, against three MS and a Gundam. Akira commanded them to victory using the firepower of the Gundam against the MS. He would position himself and one of his teammates back to back. The Gundam would confront one and an MS the other. The MS would get engaged in close combat, and when the Gundam fired its main weapon, both Akira and his teammate would fly straight up leaving the MS in the line of fire. It was these plans that got Akira noticed by his commanding officers. And also his fellow trainees.Also his great cooking has one the hearts of severals of his fellows, turning them into friends.

Edited June 10, 2007 by Guest

[Knightroad 0]

bump

[liubei013 0]

You shouldn't have to bump quite so soon.  Anyways...

 

1. You have numerous spelling errors.  I suggest either running this profile through a Word Processor's spellcheck or use the Spell Check feature here.  (to the right of the Post/Edit & Preview buttons)  Along with this, you have some awkward phrasings here and there. 

e.g.

Akira has a scar going down his left forearm from where he broke his arm the bone breaking skin.

(I have no idea what you're trying to convey with the last part of the sentence)

 

2. Abbreviations.  For the sake of convenience, most acronyms follow the standard full caps letters. 

e.g. PLANT, EA or EAF, ZAFT, etc.

 

By the way, you seem to have gotten something mixed up.  ZAFT is the military arm of the PLANTs, while OMNI Enforcer is the military arm of the EA.  So when you're talking about keeping the peace, you're most likely indicating between the EA and the PLANTs.

 

3. Background: Following standard traditions, wouldn't his siblings have their father's last name of Knightly, rather than their mother's?

 

4. History.

 

When you mentioned your character's mother as a politician, do you mean more of a representative or diplomat?  Because it wouldn't make quite as much sense to send standard political officials to literally stay among potential enemies.

 

Because the time between the PEACE Treaty (CE73/74) to the present has been relatively calm, it would not make sense to have volunteers or conscripts enter the military at such a young age; this also applies to military academies.  Around the age of 18 or so would be more reasonable in this case. 

 

Not only that, most military academies require recruits to actually stay on academy grounds; these sort of facilities aren't as casual as a high school.  (Unless personnel are more like civilian volunteers or Reserve Guards...'weekend warriors' would be another such term.)

 

Your Personal History is still far too short.  I see many possible avenues to expand upon the information that could help detail your character. 

a. How did he feel when he learned about his father's death? How did he feel when his mother died?  Had their deaths had any effects (positive or negative) on him or influence him in any way?

b. How did he feel about his step-siblings?  Are they also Coordinators?  (Your history did not state specifically regarding that detail)

c. How is he smart and cunning in 'battle'? 

d. How is he close/protective of his friends?

 

 

This profile is a decent start, but a bit of work is still required before it has a chance of being approved by Valiant.  Keep at it. 

 

(Hopefully you'll receive additional comments/criticisms by other members soon.)

[winders 0]

Hi there, I don't post much anymore but I do read.

 

One blaring thing: His father died at the age of 98 when he was 15...

 

Now if I do the math that would mean his father was 83 when he was born...?

[Knightroad 0]

actually they look there mothers last name, because they choose to, they didnt want to take his dads last name, cause he abandoned them.

[liubei013 0]

Then that should be added in.

 

I'll take a closer look later tomorrow, but you really need to divide your History up into paragraphs, rather than have a huge chunk of text smashed together.  (See profiles in the Character Library for samples) 

[Knightroad 0]

is that better?

[liubei013 0]

It's better, but not quite there yet.

 

You still have a couple of spelling errors here and there.  (e.g. strategicly --> strategically)

 

You got the right idea with the paragraphs, but on forums paragraph breaks simply require typing the 'Enter' key twice.  (See profiles in the Character Library for a good idea on what we expect for the format.)  Also, your paragraphs seem to be a bit of a hack job.  A paragraph is a collection of sentences that focuses on one topic.  A new paragraph is required when there's a change in subject.  In your case, some of your shorter 'paragraphs' could be combined.  (for example, the sentences about him meeting his stepsister could be combined, since they hold the same relevance with each other)

 

I noticed that you did not state anything regarding his life before the age of 20.  While you do not need to explain a character's full life story, you should explain enough to give shape to your character as well as give others reading your profile that same view.  (In this case, there isn't that much in your history that explains how he has the Personality that you stated he has.)

 

Adding up the years following the age of 20, I got the following:

- Learned about his father's death and then joined the academy.

- Half a year later, left academy to tend to his ailing mother.

- Two years later, mother dies, returns to academy, meets Sara

- Finds out Sara is his stepsister a year later...

= Math doesn't add up.  The above adds up to 3.5 years...which would make him about 23 years old.  Just a minor inconsistency I had to point out.

 

Regarding the history behind his piloting potential, it is an interesting tactic to utilize the enemies' firepower against them, but some of the later scenarios seem to border on god-modding.  (Not to mention such tactics do not always fool pilots, especially veteran/experienced ones)

 

All in all, a bit of an improvement.  But you still need a little bit of work.

Your History is of sufficient length so all you need to do is refine the details and the formatting.

 

Getting there, keep it up. 

[fireminerva 0]

Knightroad have you updated your profile since liubei013 asked you to?