Re: Luc Silverberg(Awaiting Approval)

[Crow 0]

General

 

Name:Luc Silverberg

Nickname:Blazing Ace;He earned the name due to his ability with a gun,and targeting.

age:19

birthplace:Aprilius City

Gender:Male

Race:Coordinator

Occupation:MS Pilot

Citizenship:PLANT

Personality:He is a silent lone wolf type,he has a deep anger toward The Earth Alliance,he has a more enjoyable personality when he is around his friends or loved ones.He is arrogant,tactical and resourceful when it comes to battle,and always has a trick up his sleeve.

 

Appearance

 

Height:6'5"

weight:178

Hair Color and Style:His hair is jet black and goes down to the bottom of his neck,he never bothers to mess with it,unless to cut the hair.

Eye Color:red

Identifying Marks:He has a scar that crosses his right eye from his forehead down to the bottom of the the right side of his neck,that he earned from a street fight.

skin color:Pale,mainly harmless,it was a genetic mutation,that he inherited from his long dead family.

Build:Athletic,doesn't appear bulky,and unusually still has a large amount of physical strength,that never appears on the surface.

clothing:is seen usually wearing a black bomber jacket,with a dragon symble on the back of it,he wears a white T-shirt under that,he wears black jeans,with black fingerless gloves,that has metal attached on the upper part of the glove,he wears black leather metal tipped boots,above his face,he wears a goggle,that is never seen on his face unless in combat,he also wears a spiked collar.

Handiness:Right-handed

 

Background

 

Mother:Lucia Silverberg;deceased

Father:Jacques Silverberg;deceased

siblings:None

Wife/Girlfriend:None

 

Personal History:The Silverberg family had been in living Aprilius City,for 15 generations,they had been known for the ace pilots that had come from the family,along with a few mechanics,the family after the 12th generation started to dwindle till after the 14th generation,only a few lived,due to a unknown cause in the family believed to be one of the lower,and poorer parts of the family that had enough of being pushed around.

Luc was born into the world 3 years before the first Bloody Valentine War had started.His father had died 2 weeks after he was born due to a sabotage of his MS,when his MS had exploded. the cause of the flaw,was a bomb set inside the MS by a Earth Alliance soldier.Due to the engine having a fatal flaw. Luc might had have a sister.Instead,they lost his sister before she was born.The cause was his mother's drinking,and taking drugs.That had tore Luc up,causing the hatred between he and his mother.His mother died just 2 years later.Due to a battle.The ship she was in had exploded.The cause of the explosion was bombs set in the armoury by a traitor.leaving him alone in the world.

 

He traveled all over the city,till he finally had found a new home among a gang of teens who lived in the alleys.He rapidly rose among their ranks,till he and the leader had a fight to choose who would become or stay leader.This was the fight that earned Luc the scar and nickname that would stick with him his whole life,he had suddenly took out a pistol and in one head shot,he had killed the leader without missing.The gang,then with him leading them had rapidly gained a reputation among other gangs granting them many enemies and allies,till a final face off came,and his whole gang along with the enemies and allies were wiped out in a all out street fight leaving him alone again.

 

At the age of 13 He left the world he knew to join ZAFT.He had wanted to be a MS Pilot like his father.It was the only thing by now that caught his interest,as soon as he started training he advanced farther then most of his classmates in piloting a MS.A few days into his school year,as he had come into class,a kid started yelling,and trying to beat him.Luc had easily turned the table,knocking the kid against the wall and beating him to nothing.The kid ended up in the hospital for three months due to the injuries,Luc gave him. Luc went into a mental state,he started to avoid everybody,the only thing he ever did was go to the training classes,but that was all he did.One training day,the MS he was in lost controll crashing into the ground,he ended up crashing into the ground almost killing him,and ended up in the hospital for three weeks.When he returned to the school,the same kid from earlier,with three others tried to beat him,again he turned the table and beat all three,he stood there still kicking them,they ended up back in the hospital.Luc had something snap in him,that gave him a short temper,if he was fighting a rage would take over him.He ended up usually participating in street fights,which built up his original reputation that he had,when he was in the gang from his childhood.

Edited June 7, 2007 by Guest

[liubei013 0]

Not that great, though I see that you put a bit of effort into this.

 

1.  Format.  Please use the correct template layout.  Subject headers should be in bold.

 

2. Spacing.  See other approved profiles in the Character Library to get a good idea how to create paragraph breaks between major sections of your history.  Also, whenever you use a comma, you follow with a single space.  I found it very difficult to read the entire profile because everything was cluttered together in a semi-coherent mass.

 

Also, you seem to use far too many commas and end up with numerous fragments in many sentences.  This also makes it difficult for others to read.

 

3.  The explanation for his Nickname could go into his Personal History instead.  This also applies to the explanations provided about your character's background/family.  All of that should be contained in the Personal History. 

 

4.  Personal History...

 

See point number 3 regarding his family information.

 

Also, the way in which he 'served' distinctively is inconsistent with the events in the timeline.  By the time he was able to join the military, every nation on Earth and in Space had non-hostile relations.  (See PEACE Treaty at 'The Storyline' link)  So it's very unlikely that he would be engaged with Orb or EA soldiers.  As much as I hate to say it, this essentially kills off the main 'meat' of your History.  You would need to fill this part in with something else.  (For example, a training accident)

 

 

All in all, this profile still needs a lot of work.  Other members may provide additional feedback as well. 

Once you're able to refine your profile, then it should be sufficient for approval.  (Though the last say on that would be by the admin, Valiant.)

[Crow 0]

Thanks,for letting me know about the mistakes,I'll try to correct the best I can.

[Kaizer 0]

On top of what Liubei said, you never mentioned an eye color for Luc, so unless he doesn't have eyes (:o), I would suggest putting something there. 

[Crow 0]

Got the eye color corrected,and tried my best to correct most of the mistakes.

[liubei013 0]

An improvement, but you still have a ways to go.

 

Also, whenever you use a comma, you should follow with a single space.

 

See above quote since it can be used as an example regarding how commas should be used.  This is standard with any form of typing.  Use two spaces after each period as well.

 

Also, you seem to use far too many commas and end up with numerous fragments in many sentences.  This also makes it difficult for others to read.

 

Your profile is still littered with the overuse and incorrect use of commas.  Commas should only be used to create a break in a sentence (e.g. additional information, list or sequence of events, etc.)

 

For instance:

He is a silent lone wolf type,he has a deep anger toward The Earth Alliance,he has a more enjoyable personality when he is around his friends or loved ones.

 

These three subjects are not connected directly in any manner, so commas would be inappropriate for this case.  Instead:

He is a silent lone wolf type.  He has a deep anger toward The Earth Alliance.  He has a more enjoyable personality when he is around his friends or loved ones.

(By the way, your Personality section contains a contradiction in that above series of sentences.  If he's a silent lone wolf type, then how is he able to associate with 'friends' or 'loved ones?')

As mentioned, you use commas far too much.  But it's not my job to point out each and every little error here.

 

Your character's eye color is somewhat unrealistic.  The only case that I know of in which people have the red/pink eye color is in association with the condition known as 'albinism.'  ('Congenital absence of any pigmentation or coloration in a person, animal, or plant, resulting in white hair and pink eyes in mammals.' - Dictionary.com)

 

Regarding your history, it is laden with grammar errors as well as the excessive comma usage I mentioned before.

 

In your first paragraph, you mentioned how his family supposedly had a history of ace pilots.  This cannot refer to mobile suits because the Proto-GINN (the first mobile suit) came out in CE65, far too close to the first Valentine War to have a multi-generational line of pilots.  (Note how in Gundam SEED, many of the secondary character pilots, such as Deakka, Izak, and Nicol, are the first in the family to enter the military.)

 

You also contradict the part when your character's father died.  You said that "the cause of the flaw,was a bomb set inside the MS by a Earth Alliance soldier.Due to the engine having a fatal flaw." So was it a defect, a flaw that killed the father or was it sabotage?

 

Second paragraph, you talk about his tough life in a gang and such...but this was before he was 13?  Even with a gun, it would be difficult to say the least to defeat the gang leader (and his lackeys), much less actually LEADING a gang. 

 

Third paragraph:  I already mentioned before that the age in which he joined ZAFT was very unreasonable.  His violent tendencies would have gotten him court-martialed, if not kicked out of any military institution, even if he was not the person who started the fights.  Any military requires discipline and restraint, even though the main purpose is to defeat one's enemy and to defend one's homeland.  As I mentioned in the paragraph about his personality, how the heck does he even have friends/loved ones with such violent tendencies, not to mention his background as a survivor of an all-out gang war?

[Crow 0]

I don't know if I should stick to this rp forum,I cannot think of something and my mind is still stuck with the era that the Gundam Wing series took place in.

[liubei013 0]

That's entirely up to you.  Just remember that all the comments and constructive criticism here is to help you improve your profile so it can be approved as soon as possible.

 

You could check the Wikipedia entries on the two Valentine Wars, which has a relatively comprehensive history of the Cosmic Era universe as well if you're having trouble adjusting.